I think I\'ve hit the bottom

My GP and psychologist think I Borderline Personality Disorder and now in mid December I'm being sent to a psychiatrist. My new man in my life who at times is sweet and caring has had it with my irrational behaviour and is ready to leave me. I've had 3 trips to hospital within a month, only to be relieased once I've been there overnight. I have tried to hang myself not long ago and my new man walked in on it. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just seem to snap and then look out. I broke the glass in the front door last night from the force of slamming it during an argument with my boyfriend. Needless to say my boyfriend called the police and it was another trip to hospital. Obviously now I'm home. I don't know why I snap, I get paranoid thoughts, irrational thoughts, hallucinations (nothing too dramatic), I cant stop the behaviour, I snap at people, think everyone is against me, hate myself, I really just want peace. I'm on medication, an antidepressant and an antipsychotic but nothing seems to be helping that much. I have to change or my boyfriend will walk.  Child protective services are now going to pay me a visit because of my many trips to hospital.  I also threatened one night when I was really bad to hurt them.  I would never do it, but I must admit I became close and understoon how women just snap and shake their babies.  I told my GP straight away, so I'm trying to get help. I'm on the verge of losing it all.  My ex is still a drunk, still plays emotional mind games with me.  I can't help it, he just gets to me.  I try and do things that will help, like just go for a walk to avoid an argument because I feel all tense, then I'm in trouble because I don't tell anyone, I just leave.  I don't tell anyone because I don't want the discussion as to why.  I have the 7 kids, all to the ex, and he doesn't help out much, takes 3 or 4 a night when he's ready, I have no family support, I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I wish I could erase myself from life, I dont mean suicide, just erase the whole lot like I was never hear.  I've gone through a lot and I'm emotionally tired.  I want peace but I'm the one who starts the arguments because I feel so bloody tense.  How do you sort yourself out as people tell me to do, where do you start??  I think the only solution for me now is to shut down emotionally, not feel anything, that might help.