I suppose we all do this to a degree
I wrote what I wrote here, earlier this morning.
I've been worrying and lost in my own world of feelings
and doubts. I had a zoom call with my family and just felt myself
feeling so 'less than' while on the call with them.
I feel like my instincts for socializing are off or I don't measure up....but I know
at some point I am loved and cared about, they tell me time and again. in truth.
Our feelings can so make us forget things. It's another reminder to seek out the
knowledge to be self responsible with our feelings. I just found myself today
suppressing all my energy so I would somehow fit in with them, I want to say,
but it feels excessive that "I don't measure up". And on a level I am very
different and don't fit in. But I just came in from doing an errand and I found myself
feeling just 'down and out' about my relationships to myself and family after this zoom
call. It's really unfair in a way to say this as I think I am the only one who was feeling so anxious
and pressured and I feel like we all may get lost in our feelings and thoughts about our
relationships in life at times. I've got to keep on keeping on about what I CAN do
to take care of the day and keep in touch with friends and family...
I think I've been 'putting messengers out there' that have been validating my fears in a sense.
Looking for those cues that tell me I am right in my fears!
But I think maybe in all this inner commotion and quagmire - I have got to just be gentle
with myself and keep my focus on work and caretaking of life.
Rather than go all one polar to the next - I'll just keep on keeping on
and stand ready for the good times. Time to work on projects!
More writing of Christmas cards I think! :)
Replies
Markus, all this time reading your journals I see a pattern where you spiral into times of self-doubt in regards to your “measuring up”…. and I wonder if you know more of what that’s about?? You don’t have to explain it further if it’s private but it’s what I intuit from your writings.
Christmas cards sound like a great project for the day!
Thanks Nikki. I’ll bring it up with my doctor.
in my strictly personal case, the comparing demon is one of my psycho nag flags that my social anxiety is escalating again. one comparison is too many, a million are not enough. yeah, we all may do it, but in my strictly personal case, it gets out of control all too easily. i try to stay mindful of the psyco tick and ply therapy tools as soon as i catch myself comparing, especially when comparing myself to people i do not and will never meet.
the cycles of life are an entirely different subject. some days are better than others and, like it or not, those mood swings are mine to manage.
true true Arfie! thanks!
I think we all compare ourselves, and I know this mental health stuff has made me feel inferior to many folks in my life who have “normal” or “successful” lives and families. I often feel they walk on eggshells around me if I do spend time with them because I don’t have the “normal” measures of a normal life to discuss. Some extended family members, too.
But it doesn’t mean we have less value. We are still living valuable lives…..
thanks Nikki!