I Should Just Call this My Worry Journal

(1/09/24) Like the title says.  I do tend to only write in here when I need to vent and worry.  This time it is a health worry.  Which if you have read any of my journal you will see it is a common entry for me.  Because of my family history and my genetic makeup I now have a yearly mammogram and a yearly breast mri just to make sure that everything is normal.  For the last few years it has all been fine.  I had my breast mri a couple of days before New Years. They usually get back to me within a few days but because of the holidays it took longer.  I ended up getting a phone call to schedule an ultrasound for a better look at something in my left breast.  This was the first I had heard of the results being in.  Apparently radiology is really on the ball with scheduling. lol  Unfortunately the soonest they can fit me in is Feb 1st at like 7:45. (I guess they are backed up because of the holidays)  I took it even though it was a super inconvenient time because of the kids having to get to school.  I was really hoping to do this test without telling anyone because I don't want to worry anyone without there being for sure anything to worry about.  Even my doctor when they went over my results said that most of the time these call backs are nothing but it is better to be safe than sorry.  Logically I can take some comfort in that but it isn't a 100% guarantee.  There's a possibility that it will be something and that's what is keeping my low level anxiety at a constant buzz.  The what if?  I hate that feeling.  I have tried already once to call and see if they have a waitlist for any cancelations that come up but they don't do that. I guess people cancel so infrequently that they don't bother.  But she told me that I can always call back they don't mind checking.  I don't want to bother them they are probably busy but if I could get something earlier that would be a godsend.  So I will try again next week.  I am trying to leave it in God's hands and trust in Him but it is difficult.  I know that worrying about it will not make the appointment get here any faster or change the outcome.  I need to let go and let God as the phrase goes.  Any prayers are appreciated.  I hope your day is going well.  

Edit 01/21/24: I was fretting so I thought I would write my worries down so maybe they would stop their neverending circling in my brain.  I am still a week and a half away from my appointment.  I have not been able to move it to an earlier time.  I will call tomorrow again and ask although I am not hopeful (I know all things are possible with God, I need to trust him.) Also here lately I have been experiencing breathlessness.  Kind of feels like I am not getting enough oxygen.  I have had this feeling before when I had asthma, also when my fibroids caused me to have anemia.  On top of that I just got over covid and according to articles I read feeling short of breath can last for awhile with covid even after you are mostly over everything else and are feeling better.  So it could be any of those things but my brain wants to worse case scenario it and say that what they saw in my left breast is cancer and it has spread to my lungs thats why I have been feeling short of breath.  I know that probably is not the case but it isn't 100% for sure, so just the possibility is enough to cause me to have major anxiety.  

So I guess that is all for now, hopefully just spilling my guts on here will help. I'll come back and edit when I have more information. I will keep trying to trust in God and pray to him daily about this.  

Update 01/23/24: I know it has only been a couple of days but I was hit hard with sadness/hopelessness this morning so I thought I would check-in.  I chickened out yesterday about calling mainly because it takes three different telephone operators to connect me to the right person in order for them to check to see if they have any cancelations. Plus I always feel like I am bothering them.  Finally I gathered what courage I could and called them this morning.  I have to say the receptionists are always so nice, the one I talked to thought she had an appointment for this friday which would have been awesome but then she realized I needed a longer appointment than the time slot allowed so my appointment had to stay the same.  It doesn't help that I am watching my niece this week and her folks have to drop her off at 4 in the morning.  She goes right back to sleep but I unfortunately do not.  I tend to doze on and off until it is time to wake up my husband at 5:45.  So I am hella tired.  Also my eldest is in their last semester of high school.  They have a grand total of 2 classes to pass in order to graduate. 2.  And they are already starting to brush off assignments and being way too casual with their grades.  They hate school but they are so close to finishing with a degree they just need to complete their assignments and than it is all done.  I just don't understand.  So all of that this morning made me hecka sad plus there is this constant background sadness due to my father passing away in November.  So I ended up crying on my bed for a while with the despair of it all.  I am trying to regain my equalibum but it's difficult.  Any prayers would be appreciated.  I am trying to lean on God in this time and trust in Him always.  I'll update when I have more information.