I should be punished

A part of me wants to be in an abusive relationship. A part of me sometimes still feels that's all I'm worth. I feel like hurting myself. I hate how I look, and I hate how I lost control and let myself go so much...I should never have gotten fat. I want to be punished for being scared to purge...for ruining my life...for opening the door and letting him in...for letting him rape me...for falling for the wrong guy...for messing up in school...for losing my drumline, which was my crutch for so long...for having sex with a guy even though I didn't want to...for letting a guy touch me, even though I didn't want to...for ruining the chance of getting back with my ex...for ruining my chances of finding love...for ruining me, and losing who I was...I should be punished for ruining myself. It was his fault, but I share blame too...and now that he's dead, all the fault is left with me. There is no one left to blame now but me...I should be punished.
I want to restrict. I want to purge. When my roommates leave, I think I'll try and purge.