I retrieved her phone
Hi Sisters,
I did not write about this last weekend, but my husband and I went to Pensacola yesterday and we were finally allowed to pick up her things...the "evidence" they have kept from us almost 4 months. Most importantly, her cell phone, as no one seemed to know what was going through her mind that horrible day. I wanted to see what her last communications were.
It wasn't as traumatizing as I had expected. Unfortunately, I have not found a person to completely lay they blame on. It was a series of things that led up to a perfect storm in my baby's head that made her feel she had no other option, she was so distraught.
First of all, there was her illness, Borderline Personality Disorder...the same disorder that Rick and Kay Warren's son had. She was textbook Borderline...so sadly she is now a percentage. There is a high suicide rate among the young. She was working overtime at work and not sleeping much. She was abusing her medications, especially Klonopin, which can actually increase suicidal thoughts. She was desperate to find someone to love...so successful in other areas of her life, she felt alone. What I have pieced together from her tablet, computer, and now cell phone, she had met someone mere days before it happened. They "fell in love" almost immediately...she wasn't thinking clearly. For a few days it seemed a whirlwind, if long distance, romance. They started arguing the day before...and broke up the morning of...her last text was sent at 8:35 in the morning...her computer history shows at 8:38 she began researching how to overdose on Klonopin. This had happened once before, but I guess this time she wasn't taking any chances.
I told the sheriff's department I did not want the gun or ammunition returned to me, did not want to even see it. However I did have to sign a form listing all of the items listed of "evidence". I quickly scanned it, but something caught my eye. There were 5 live rounds in the chamber and one spent casing. The gun was fully loaded...I had often wondered if she didn't really mean to do it, maybe she wanted to get caught. I thought maybe she had only loaded one bullet and just miscalculated it's placement.
It's still possible she didn't intend to do it, but not likely. I do believe she regrets the pain she has caused us, especially me. Despite how much she pushed me away, she loved me deeply. I also found texts referring to me, being protective of me.
I never thought I could have handled this new information without hysterics but I have. I don't feel it is strength, I'm not sure what it is. I am just sad, so sad. She had a life...a great education, friends, a job, entry-level, but it would not have always been that way. She had devoted parents...her father would have given her anything she needed...I both worshipped and annoyed her...my love for her was huge, I overwhelmed her.
I didn't get any copies of reports or records...my psychiatrist recommended against it and when the time came to make a decision, I felt it would only hurt worse.
Now my husband and I watch re-runs of Criminal Minds, play with our dogs...try to fill the empty space. Cassi won't be coming in the garage door with a load of dirty laundry, sending Apollo and Chloe (our Poms) into fits of hysterics to see their Sissy home. We had our inside jokes...even a look could send us into hysterics...I miss her presence, her physical presence. I know she is alive and well, happy and healthy and I am grateful for that. But I am also selfish for my child. :(
I did not write about this last weekend, but my husband and I went to Pensacola yesterday and we were finally allowed to pick up her things...the "evidence" they have kept from us almost 4 months. Most importantly, her cell phone, as no one seemed to know what was going through her mind that horrible day. I wanted to see what her last communications were.
It wasn't as traumatizing as I had expected. Unfortunately, I have not found a person to completely lay they blame on. It was a series of things that led up to a perfect storm in my baby's head that made her feel she had no other option, she was so distraught.
First of all, there was her illness, Borderline Personality Disorder...the same disorder that Rick and Kay Warren's son had. She was textbook Borderline...so sadly she is now a percentage. There is a high suicide rate among the young. She was working overtime at work and not sleeping much. She was abusing her medications, especially Klonopin, which can actually increase suicidal thoughts. She was desperate to find someone to love...so successful in other areas of her life, she felt alone. What I have pieced together from her tablet, computer, and now cell phone, she had met someone mere days before it happened. They "fell in love" almost immediately...she wasn't thinking clearly. For a few days it seemed a whirlwind, if long distance, romance. They started arguing the day before...and broke up the morning of...her last text was sent at 8:35 in the morning...her computer history shows at 8:38 she began researching how to overdose on Klonopin. This had happened once before, but I guess this time she wasn't taking any chances.
I told the sheriff's department I did not want the gun or ammunition returned to me, did not want to even see it. However I did have to sign a form listing all of the items listed of "evidence". I quickly scanned it, but something caught my eye. There were 5 live rounds in the chamber and one spent casing. The gun was fully loaded...I had often wondered if she didn't really mean to do it, maybe she wanted to get caught. I thought maybe she had only loaded one bullet and just miscalculated it's placement.
It's still possible she didn't intend to do it, but not likely. I do believe she regrets the pain she has caused us, especially me. Despite how much she pushed me away, she loved me deeply. I also found texts referring to me, being protective of me.
I never thought I could have handled this new information without hysterics but I have. I don't feel it is strength, I'm not sure what it is. I am just sad, so sad. She had a life...a great education, friends, a job, entry-level, but it would not have always been that way. She had devoted parents...her father would have given her anything she needed...I both worshipped and annoyed her...my love for her was huge, I overwhelmed her.
I didn't get any copies of reports or records...my psychiatrist recommended against it and when the time came to make a decision, I felt it would only hurt worse.
Now my husband and I watch re-runs of Criminal Minds, play with our dogs...try to fill the empty space. Cassi won't be coming in the garage door with a load of dirty laundry, sending Apollo and Chloe (our Poms) into fits of hysterics to see their Sissy home. We had our inside jokes...even a look could send us into hysterics...I miss her presence, her physical presence. I know she is alive and well, happy and healthy and I am grateful for that. But I am also selfish for my child. :(
Replies
Oh Gina. I feel your pain. It took courage to go and get Cassi\'s belongings. I totally understand not wanting the gun (I am Canadian - I have never owned a gun, and never will). I is just a reminder. It sounds like it gave you some comfort.
I believe Cassi loved you beyond measure too. When people are in pain, they lash out. You were safe. She knew she had your unconditional love. It is normal for moms and daughters to clash at the best of times; and Cassi\'s illness made it more of a challenge.
I am so glad you have a supportive husband. It helps to have someone who cares.
Wishing you love and peace,
Marlene
Gina.
The most heartfelt care I send to you dearest Gina... Loving, loving care...
Gina one step at a time, Sending you vibes of peace and healing. Love, Kathyxoxoxo
It takes courage to do what you did. I did it also, I had an expert pore over April\'s self-built gaming computer, he gave me email names and passwords, game names and passwords, I looked at it all. I also hooked up her three external hard drives to my laptop, one at a time, over the past year. This last time, I saw she had downloaded pictures of Jesus. Such a tender soul, she had reverted to about 11 years old from the damage done to her brain by the serotonin overdose and the diseases themselves. I wanted to treat her like a 23 year old woman but could not. I was told she might never be able to live independently. Just the memory of the mania finally kicking in, the frantic pacing she could not control, breaks my heart.
Maybe this will catch up with you, maybe not. Remember: YOU HAD NO CONTROL and YOUR DAUGHTER DID NOT DO THIS TO YOU. In that moment, and for some time prior given her internet research, she just wanted out. Klonipin does not cause suicidal ideation but withdrawal from it can. It wasn\'t the drug. I blamed the drugs (psychiatric medication) also until the hospital psychiatrist said it was time to stop doing that and to face the actual diagnosis. It is not selfish to miss your child, it is loving. I don\'t know if you read Pauljac\'s journal this past week. She was wide awake and reading an instruction manual of some sort. She looked up and her daughter Jacki was standing in front of her, smiling. She turned to scream for her sister and when she turned back, her daughter was gone. This was a miraculous and merciful thing that God allowed. it was meant for us all. They \"live\", they are on their journey, they are no longer tormented. Praise God.
You have the right to be selfish.... wanting your child.
Something way out of the ordinary happens when a mother loses a child. You are doing the best you can in this tragic turn of events in your life. It\'s so important to take gentle care of yourself right now. That may mean watching re-runs & playing with your dogs. You have taken a huge step coming to For Moms Only seeking support. Here you are surrounded by moms who truly get it & genuinely care. ((((hugs)))) Vicki
Tightest of heart hugs dear friend~~~
I\'m so sorry...just so, so sorry~~
{{{HUGS}}}