i realy have a great family

juat droped mk off at work. couldnt wait to get on here. this is where i want to be. i feel safe here. i am so gratefull for my real family. son going to pay cable bill, sisters husband paying phone and think dn paying rent. i wish i didnt have to beg dn. he is supposed to be my loving boyfriend. he does love me, i do know that i just wish i could be moore loving to him. i think im dead inside. i havnt cried in many years, though i am sad all the time. i have no moore tears. i realy need to cry, but i cant so thats that i guess. thats the PTSD kiking in. i just go numb. i would like to be able to cry. just not going to happen. if i  do though, i know ill never stop. maybe thats it. ok, have to scracth off lottery tikets. won 20.00 yesterday. spent only 3.00 on moore tickets, stupid i know, but i am crazy, so there. im not responsible for my actions, i wish i wasnt. used to be so carefree before the accident. now i am so tainted. ok, by for now.