I really want it to end
I hate life, my life and life in general. I see horror all around me. People doing things that make me sick to my stomach. And they all get along just fine. It makes me feel like I am hallucinating. The things that have happened to me, and are still happening, can't be real. None of it makes any sense.
I want to believe that I don't live alone. I want to believe that I live with someone who loves me and takes care of me. Someone who would notice if I didn't make it home from work. I want to believe that. Every day I get home and slide my key in the lock, open the door, and find - No One. I stand in the living room and look around and wonder "How can this be"? Every single fucking day I do this.
I've tried everything I know to get someone to love me. I was told if I got on medication it would make it "easier" for some one to love me. I wanted to be loved unconditionally, but my self esteem was so low that I agreed to try medication in order to get even that conditional love. But even that didn't work. I still live alone.
I want to end my life so badly, and it is very scary, but the pain I live with is excruciating. I feel like I am being held on a rack and tortured, but the world still expects me to go to work and pay the rent. I am human. I will break. Soon.
I want to believe that I don't live alone. I want to believe that I live with someone who loves me and takes care of me. Someone who would notice if I didn't make it home from work. I want to believe that. Every day I get home and slide my key in the lock, open the door, and find - No One. I stand in the living room and look around and wonder "How can this be"? Every single fucking day I do this.
I've tried everything I know to get someone to love me. I was told if I got on medication it would make it "easier" for some one to love me. I wanted to be loved unconditionally, but my self esteem was so low that I agreed to try medication in order to get even that conditional love. But even that didn't work. I still live alone.
I want to end my life so badly, and it is very scary, but the pain I live with is excruciating. I feel like I am being held on a rack and tortured, but the world still expects me to go to work and pay the rent. I am human. I will break. Soon.
Replies
I don\'t have any magic words that will make this better, and I don\'t have a solution.
All I know is that life is full of patterns. And because of that I can promise you that it will not stay bad forever. You are going through hell now, so keep going. Don\'t sit down and give up because then you will never get out.
I believe in you. Probably a lot more than you believe in yourself. I believe that you are strong, and you have the ability to beat this.
I know what you mean.
hugs
so sorry to hear you are in such pain heretic. loneliness is such a terrible thing. yes you are right there is great horribleness in the world, but there is also much wonderfulness.
love is a give and take thing though. I believe you need to give love to attract love. Is there something or someone that you love heretic?
I go through the same thing Heretic. I don\'t understand why things are the way they are. I only know that I hate it when it\'s thrown back in my face where people tell me \"I try too hard, and I should let things happen naturally.\" Define naturally to me do I just sit on my hands, and wait for someone to come to me? I have done that, and it led me nowhwere, and I feel if the person who told me that I try too hard doesn\'t want to be friends just let me know, so that way I can keep an open mind towards people. I didn\'t get that, so I became critical and judging of people. I don\'t have answers either. Medication is always a hit and miss, and those who tell you you try too hard won\'t accept the fact you\'re so upset, and suicidal, so you feel like your hands are tied both ways.
you can feel better. you need your meds checked. call your pdoc.
you need some relief and i dont mean death. you need some help now
from professionals. i am thinking about you.
I know what you mean about coming home from work and wanting somebody there. Some of the worst and most lonely moments of my life were when I had come home from work or school to an empty apartment. It just doesn\'t seem or feel right.
I think that it was a good idea for you to get on medication for you. I know that you feel that a significant other is a huge missing puzzle piece in your life right now, but a significant other may not bring the life or happiness that you are seeking in the long term. In the long run, it\'s up to you. I feel like such a hypocrite because I can\'t even employ the advice that I\'m giving to you in my own life. To a large extent, I feel a lot like you. You have to find and do the things in your life that will make you happy. If that includes finding a medication that will help you feel better, then you\'re taking that medication for you and not to attract prospective suitors. Once you\'re feeling better, then maybe you\'ll be able to find somebody to enjoy your life with. Please, please, please don\'t fall into the trap of thinking that another person will make you happy. Their love and support may help, but in the end, they can\'t make you happy. It\'s up to you.
Anyways, I am here for you my friend and I care about you. Please be good to yourself.
dear heretic, please take a look at this website and tell me what you think of it, does anything resonate with you?
http://www.elevatedtherapy.org.uk/index-page5.html
dear heretic, please take a look at this website and tell me what you think of it, does anything resonate with you?
http://www.elevatedtherapy.org.uk/index-page5.html
Well everyone says no one can make you happy but yourself and that other ppl can\'t make you happy....... but it sucks to be lonely and not have love in your life and ppl ceartianly CAN mess with your head.
I too am constantly horrified by how some ppl run roughshod over others in thier paths qand just go off on thier merry way.
But I know good people too.
I was once told I would be more loveable if I went on meds too but that did not work very well for me either.
I was pretty messed up angry depressed and self centered when I met my wonderful husband. and he took me just the way I was and loved me anyway. Almost 27 years ago.
I have to believe there is always hope of finding love because I sure never thought it would happen to me.
Heretic,
May I ask, what was the closest example of a model connection, or relationship that you have witnessed or been apart of?
I feel a lot of connection to what you wrote, because I have experienced the same level of lonelyness. I have tried to kill myself, as a way to end the lonelyness. It would have been worth it, to trade the isolation in for immediate death.
Through my journey, I found that the death is a metaphor, my soul was seeking death of the lonelyness, not neccisary death of my physical body.
How to kill lonelyness?...
Well that is the real question....
And it lingers.
Sometimes it appears that lonelyness might go on longer than life on earth.
You know?
Still it is possible, right now to be connected, with ourselves, others, and our environment, and in that instant, there is the capacity to stop the suffering.
It is a pleasure to have made your aquitance.
BB