I really didn't think I would live this long without Smokey.

I really did not think I would live this long without Smokey.  I miss him so much.  When he passed away, I thought I would live long enough to get his estate settled and then the Good Lord would take me home.  I can't bear it without my Smokey.   I still feel this way.  My heart aches inside.  Life is not the same and living alone without my partner seems unbearable for me.  If there were a hell on earth, this is it for me.  To continue living without the love of your life is just a horrible and cruelt hing.  Sometimes I think how could God let me live this way and why as I don't understand.  It has been four months since Smokey died.  It has been four months of unbearable pain, heart ache and at times torcher.  How can I go on anymore?  If I could have switched place, I would have let Smokey live and me die.  I often prayed that way as well.  God said no to that prayer.  There most be a great purpose God has for me as why would He take the love of my life.  I don't understand any of these things what has happened to me.  The baby shower was a success.  Lisa and guests seemed to enjoy themselves, this is what I hear from the feedback.  I found baby shower games on the internet and everyone enjoyed them as well.  The baby is not due till June 10th.  I figured I would have been long before the baby is born.  I could be wrong on all counts.  LIfe seems so unfair.  I have been so heart broken last last week, I did not even search for jobs.  Today I had to do grocery shopping and fix lunch for my brother Don.  Now I miss Smokey and am even crying so don't want to do job searching.  I hate looking for work.  I bought a filing cabinet.  Before the filing cabinet, I kept everything in binders.  Now I gave Don all my binders.  A company I used to work for filed in binders and I thought that was a good idea except now I realize they take more room than a filing cabinet.  Don is looking for work as well and can organize himself more using the binders.  He needs a lot of organization as it does not come to him naturally.  My mom and her sisters are really organized.  The men in her family let the women handle things.  It is interesting.  Smokey was organized in his own way.  We are all different and uniquely made, which is why I will never find anyone like Smokey.  Do I even dare dream?  Finding the person that would suite me now is like finding a needle in the hay stack, virtually impossible.  My brother Don lots his partner a few months before I lost my Smokey.  He never told me until Smokey passed away.  Don keeps things to himself and enjoys having secrets.  I think he gets a kick out of it.  Don lived with my late-mom up to and including her death.  Don knows things about my late-mom that I don't and don't really want to know.  Don enjoys having these secrets to himself that he won't share with me.  I don't care.  Keep your secrets Don.  I like to see my life the way I knew it and don't want to have it ruined by family secrets.  Family secrets is the major way of destroying a family.  It is better to have things in the open.  I don't like secrets and don't want to keep any secrets.  At times, it is better not to tell everyone everything. You don't have to make a full disclosure to people which is not the same as keeping a secret or two.  Personal things or information belongs to you.  I am going on and on.  I am alone and miss good company.  As Don has Asperger's, you end up just listening most of the time and don't get a chance to speak.  If you do speak, he does't listen anyways.  It is not the normal flow of conversation with regular people.  I am registered on facebook.  I am trying to locate my husband's two daughters Tammy and Melanie Tennant.  They have since married and probably moved from the last known address that Smokey had on file.  I tried google and word of mouth as well.  If you are not the police or a detective, it is hard to find someone if they have changed their last name and you don't know it.  I am frustrated and miss Smokey so much.  Talk to you soon.