I never thought...

I am on my way to a wedding... And I am listening to Pandora while I am getting ready... When this one song came on...
 
Heaven by Warrant...
 
... And a flood of memories came rushing back to me... My first love, C, lived far away... And I always knew I would leave him. In my mind, the best thing a person could do was leave love before it left you. I loved him and believed that if he came close enough that he would see something ugly in me and leave.
 
I have never thought or believed love could last... The kind of love I truly wanted... Kind, compassionate, loving, patient, passionate, spiritual love. The kind of love centered around two people's souls, interwoven, committed in the care of each other alongside themselves.
 
I never thought it, never believed I could have it... Is it no wonder that I have not had it? I believe it is possible. I believe that it is out there. I did not believe it existed for me.
 
What would happen if I  did? If I really believed I was worthy of having this love? If I opened myself to it?
 
I now know, thanks to M (my ex), that I can give everything I have to someone and lose it all... But I still have my soul, my heart, the ability to be. Just be.
 
I have spent the last (almost 6 months) bringing my life up to where it should be if I had not been in an abusive relationship. I need to spend the next 6 months healing myself, beginning today.
 
The kind of love I am searching for only comes after I love myself. I intuit this is true. I feel it.