I need to stay focus... but I feel that time is moving faster
This is rambling and expressing myself in a forum that is not judgemental.. technology is lovely
I am extremely lonely, I am almost 40 years olds (soon) and I am all alone!! (sad) I want to be with someone(ANYONE) but I don't let anyone in. I have this list of what I want in a mate and I don't think it is a bad thing but I do think it is holding me back. Also, I do not want to Fuck everyone I meet, in order to start a relationship. I am unsure how to go about finding me a Man. I have been with my Ex-husband for sooo long that I do not know what to do when someone good comes my way. I have not had a boyfriend since my divorce or my ex-husband. I am almost 40 and only been one real relationship. I have had "fuck-buddies" but nothing serious. I have prayed for a mate, a husband and now I am SAD about this situation. I am not sure anymore what to do and I am not sure when something is real or another fuck buddy thing. I have tried putting down my list and taking anything that comes and this has not work, I have tried to sex my way into a relationship and that has not worked, then I have tried to be OPEN my way into a relationship and that does not work, Fo' Real. ( they run for the hills)
And this is not to compare, but my ex has had more "chippies" than I can think of.... So what is so wrong with me? Good question!
Next with this on my mind, this leads to my Mother. Oh yes, why not? Everything I do I think of my Mother, even "Fuck Buddy sex" because she would not like this sort of behavior or language, lol. Anyway, who do I talk to about this? Who will give me some SANE, OBJECTIVE AND SAFE advise? MY Mother!! I miss her so bad that I cannot think about it too much. OAN: I have been doing good with the idea of her not being here, my son getting shot put my grief on hold. I do not understand why, it takes a lot for me to "get upset" about her. It has to be something psychological about this. Anyway, back to my mother and my loneliness, I try to do the "what would your mother said thing?" but it does not work.
Also, I think that my high anxiety about meeting someone and being with someone kicks in and I shut down and reject that person for the dumbest reasons or some of the most well thought out reasons that end up never hearing because they left the picture long ago. (run on sentence, idc)
Also, also I am still having sex with my ex( I like his sex) it is familiar and comfortable and convenient. I do not have to get to know him or make him like me... it is easier. And I will admit only on here that I have asked him several times to date me again. I know it is a bad idea, but the loneliness kicks in and I do not care about pride!! I want to describe to anyone else that is reading this, the loneliness that I am talking about is not about sex. it is about companionship, someone to talk to about my day, my dreams, my drive home and tell me about their day. (my kids are my kids and their day is something totally different, plus they are teenagers, yep) Then I want someone to have great sex with and vacation with, and date. I missed the dating part with my ex-husband. we had kids young and did not have the opportunity to "date". We dated our jobs, lol.
So my loneliness is not something that I say lightly. It is depressing, it is sad, it is dangerous if not expressed. I am the "third wheel" at all family functions and it is not fun no more.
However, with all this being said, I have a "Prospect" in mind and heart. I really like this guy and I do not want to mess this up, because I do not think I can handle anything but a positive (whatever). I am very excited about this and I do not want to over think conversations, situations, or events. (side note: I am shy) So thinking of these things waaaayyy before hand is something I do, over and over and over again for courage sake.
This guy hits everything on my list, except he not as attractive as I would hope, but he is alright. And he talks about sex already. I am not sure if I lead him on or this is how I will "get a relationship" out of him. Other than those two factors, he seem genuinely interested in me. Oh, wait, he did have a girlfriend that called me, but at the time I was interested in him. At first I did not see him as a possible boyfriend, then he let feelings be known. Idk.
He makes my day, he makes me smile and I cannot work when he is around. (we work together, somewhat). I saw him today and that is why I am writing this BOOK!! lol. Good night.
I am extremely lonely, I am almost 40 years olds (soon) and I am all alone!! (sad) I want to be with someone(ANYONE) but I don't let anyone in. I have this list of what I want in a mate and I don't think it is a bad thing but I do think it is holding me back. Also, I do not want to Fuck everyone I meet, in order to start a relationship. I am unsure how to go about finding me a Man. I have been with my Ex-husband for sooo long that I do not know what to do when someone good comes my way. I have not had a boyfriend since my divorce or my ex-husband. I am almost 40 and only been one real relationship. I have had "fuck-buddies" but nothing serious. I have prayed for a mate, a husband and now I am SAD about this situation. I am not sure anymore what to do and I am not sure when something is real or another fuck buddy thing. I have tried putting down my list and taking anything that comes and this has not work, I have tried to sex my way into a relationship and that has not worked, then I have tried to be OPEN my way into a relationship and that does not work, Fo' Real. ( they run for the hills)
And this is not to compare, but my ex has had more "chippies" than I can think of.... So what is so wrong with me? Good question!
Next with this on my mind, this leads to my Mother. Oh yes, why not? Everything I do I think of my Mother, even "Fuck Buddy sex" because she would not like this sort of behavior or language, lol. Anyway, who do I talk to about this? Who will give me some SANE, OBJECTIVE AND SAFE advise? MY Mother!! I miss her so bad that I cannot think about it too much. OAN: I have been doing good with the idea of her not being here, my son getting shot put my grief on hold. I do not understand why, it takes a lot for me to "get upset" about her. It has to be something psychological about this. Anyway, back to my mother and my loneliness, I try to do the "what would your mother said thing?" but it does not work.
Also, I think that my high anxiety about meeting someone and being with someone kicks in and I shut down and reject that person for the dumbest reasons or some of the most well thought out reasons that end up never hearing because they left the picture long ago. (run on sentence, idc)
Also, also I am still having sex with my ex( I like his sex) it is familiar and comfortable and convenient. I do not have to get to know him or make him like me... it is easier. And I will admit only on here that I have asked him several times to date me again. I know it is a bad idea, but the loneliness kicks in and I do not care about pride!! I want to describe to anyone else that is reading this, the loneliness that I am talking about is not about sex. it is about companionship, someone to talk to about my day, my dreams, my drive home and tell me about their day. (my kids are my kids and their day is something totally different, plus they are teenagers, yep) Then I want someone to have great sex with and vacation with, and date. I missed the dating part with my ex-husband. we had kids young and did not have the opportunity to "date". We dated our jobs, lol.
So my loneliness is not something that I say lightly. It is depressing, it is sad, it is dangerous if not expressed. I am the "third wheel" at all family functions and it is not fun no more.
However, with all this being said, I have a "Prospect" in mind and heart. I really like this guy and I do not want to mess this up, because I do not think I can handle anything but a positive (whatever). I am very excited about this and I do not want to over think conversations, situations, or events. (side note: I am shy) So thinking of these things waaaayyy before hand is something I do, over and over and over again for courage sake.
This guy hits everything on my list, except he not as attractive as I would hope, but he is alright. And he talks about sex already. I am not sure if I lead him on or this is how I will "get a relationship" out of him. Other than those two factors, he seem genuinely interested in me. Oh, wait, he did have a girlfriend that called me, but at the time I was interested in him. At first I did not see him as a possible boyfriend, then he let feelings be known. Idk.
He makes my day, he makes me smile and I cannot work when he is around. (we work together, somewhat). I saw him today and that is why I am writing this BOOK!! lol. Good night.
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