I need to let her be human and have a bad day
This weekend had potential. My reconciling wife and I have lots of plans, most fun. Started the Saturday morning bright and early watching my youngest in a little league baseball game with my in-laws. It was fun and we interacted well. We dropped our son off at home and made sure he and his older brother were set for lunch. We took her car to get washed and we went to one of her favorite restaurants for lunch. The day was getting better and better. She was tired so we headed home for her to get a nap. That's when things took a turn.
She woke and started to get ready for a dinner she had planned with her direct sales group (Younique). She couldn't find her brush as one of our sons had moved it to a different bathroom in the house. She got frustrated and when I didn't rush to her aid fast enough, she blew a gasket. She started pointing out how my efforts in keeping the house had slacked from when I was in hyper drive to "win her back.." She even said I had lied by telling her I was going to continue to be that way. When I brought up the fact that I had been with her and hadn't had any time to have done all the things s she had wanted me to do (without telling me what they were before now) she got even more angry and told me that maybe we should stop doing fun things if it meant I couldn't do the important things.
Now, after 14 years I know my wife. I know she can be a bitch sometimes and it doesn't mean anything. She recovers and everything is okay. But I'm so freaking sensitive to her right now. I take everything to mean she doesn't love me and I am so terrified she will decide she's had enough again. I was holding back tears and she noticed.
She had to leave but she called me on the road, concerned about why I was emotional. I explained I'm still healing and she was very sorry.
I need to find the confidence and strength to let my imperfect wife have a bad day, or moment whatever the case may be. I need to anticipate and allow her to vent without crying in a room for hour. I know this but I'm helpless. I did get to work and bust my butt getting chores done. The work was therapeutic but I'm still frustrated with my lack of control. I just love her and don't want to feel she doesn't love me.
She woke and started to get ready for a dinner she had planned with her direct sales group (Younique). She couldn't find her brush as one of our sons had moved it to a different bathroom in the house. She got frustrated and when I didn't rush to her aid fast enough, she blew a gasket. She started pointing out how my efforts in keeping the house had slacked from when I was in hyper drive to "win her back.." She even said I had lied by telling her I was going to continue to be that way. When I brought up the fact that I had been with her and hadn't had any time to have done all the things s she had wanted me to do (without telling me what they were before now) she got even more angry and told me that maybe we should stop doing fun things if it meant I couldn't do the important things.
Now, after 14 years I know my wife. I know she can be a bitch sometimes and it doesn't mean anything. She recovers and everything is okay. But I'm so freaking sensitive to her right now. I take everything to mean she doesn't love me and I am so terrified she will decide she's had enough again. I was holding back tears and she noticed.
She had to leave but she called me on the road, concerned about why I was emotional. I explained I'm still healing and she was very sorry.
I need to find the confidence and strength to let my imperfect wife have a bad day, or moment whatever the case may be. I need to anticipate and allow her to vent without crying in a room for hour. I know this but I'm helpless. I did get to work and bust my butt getting chores done. The work was therapeutic but I'm still frustrated with my lack of control. I just love her and don't want to feel she doesn't love me.
Replies
Seems like you handled the situation well. You talked about it and worked it through. each time will get easier because you will both have bad days. As long as you can discuss your feelings and emotions i think you will be able to work through it.
I see what you are saying but the unreasonable fear in me thinks she\'s on the verge of saying, \"I don\'t need this anymore.\" She has pointed out she did not leave but she rented an apartment before my efforts swayed her to stay. Yes she didn\'t leave but I can\'t help but think it was more because of what I have done over the weeks than her figuring things out. I need to find that trust... that secure feeling in her. I hope it comes soon.
I agree that you handled it well..but I feel you pain too.
You are in such a vulnerable place right now, any little thing is bound to send you reeling. I know that you are in extreme fear of her leaving...and this will take some time to overcome. You have been deeply hurt and you need time to heal. So please, be gentle on yourself, you are going through a lot too.
Also, and I am sorry if you have already written about this, but are either of you in any type of counseling? If not I encourage you to investigate this option. This is a very confusing and somewhat tenuous time for both of you. Extra help is in order. I know you feel like you are walking on egg shells doing everything you can to keep her happy, but you also need some support as well.
Thanks for sharing...hugsss to you, Sandy
You are right about counseling being needed, Sandy. Originally, my wife was need individual counseling when she was questioning things so she could be open about her doubts. Since her vebalizing she is recommitted, I\'ve suggested a couples retreat for marriage building but she never responded. I even gently confronted her and she deflected it. I think she is scared to be open and then be told she was horribly wrong. That may prevent couple counseling but I\'ll keep trying.
My counseling comes from here. You and broken have been so very supportive and helpful. Thank you, ladies.
I am happy to help ...and if you ever need additional help in strict confidentiality, please feel free to message me. I am here for you.
Sandy