I need time to grieve. I never did that much in the beginning.

I need time to grieve.  I never did that much grieving at the  beginning.  I was busy taking care of things, focusing on trying to get a job and keeping my chin up for family and friends.  I let myself grieve for a short period thinking I need to be healthy again. I think I forced myself into thinking I grieved enough and now I don't need to anymore.  One thing about feelings is that you can't keep them bottled up inside because they will come out one way or another whether you want them to or not.  I think I bottled a lot of my feelings down inside so deep they had a hard time coming out to the surface.  I don't think I really knew the level of love Smokey and I had for one another.  It is some of this that I did not really want to admit to myself when Smokey died.  Like I mentioned before, you can't keep your feelings bottled up inside forever because they will come out and surprise you.  It has me.  
There is no guilt about Smokey.  Smokey and I talked on a steady basis about what would happen if one of us died first.  Smokey was adamant that I find someone else. Simply put, Smokey wanted me to be happy.  He said mourn my death but get on with your life, find someone and be happy.  All Smokey did was care for me.
We were a normal couple who loved deeply yet also fought.  You can't help it when two whole people come together with their very own thoughts, feelings, opinions and ideas.  Two people will not agree on everything.  Two people will not disagree on everything.  It just is the facts.  We were two unique people who got together.  We had similar things in common and some things not.  The similar things kept our relationship going.  The things we didn't have in common added spice to our relationship.  We had more things in common to keep us together.
Yes, I miss my Smokey.
Yes, I am happy with Dave.
Yes, I am still alive, well and kicking up a storm wherever possible.
Yes, I have faith in God.
Yes, I have my friends and Daily Strength.
Yes, I have my family.
Yes, I will get the job that I have been searching for my entire life.
Yes, my life will work out in a incredibly positive way.
Yes, it is all good even if we don't understand it all at the moment.
From Diane B.



Maybe this is why I feel stuck. Glad to see the last part of your journal showing positive statements.