I need more than Motrin
I don't like being sick. I suppose no one does. I don't have the flu just a bad cold but I still don't like it. It just adds to my pissy mood.
I don't have the energy for anything but making tea and soup and watching TV.
I don't understand peoples attitude towards sex. It really isn't a big deal. Everyone can do it. The simplest animal can do it. What is the attraction? Why do people think it is so important???
I like sex. I can enjoy it. I can even crave it. Sometimes I don't care. but even when I am craving it I don't see why society is so fascinated with it. I don't know why people are so interested in mating. That is how I look at it some days. Mating. Just a biological function, nothing more, nothing less. There are days when I can't imagine why anyone would want to have another person that close. Someone else's body, skin, breath, fluids that close. It is nasty, disgusting, gross, repulsive.
It is like the stupid zombie movie I'm half watching. Why do they keep making zombie movies??? Christ it is the same thing over and over. Zombie virus spreads, zombies attack, more zombies are created. Characters are all the same. One strong male lead, one strong female lead which of course means there has to be some kind of sexual tension between them. I really don't get it. If zombies are attacking i won't be thinking about if i am going to get laid. I suppose a lot of people would. I have heard that there is an increase in child births nine months following major disasters. Maybe it is like that theory that being scared and being sexually aroused are similar physiologically.
I suppose if I was honest with myself i could admit to some jealousy of people who are comfortable with sex and with their bodies and themselves. Even if i am having sex and enjoying it i'm not comfortable. It is like some horribly dangerous thing. It's mentally painful. It's angry. It leaves me vulnerable and exposed. i wait for the awful thing that will happen afterwards. If I was even more honest I would admit that even happens when i masturbate. Not all the time but it happens.
I have a cycle with that. I will be fine afterwards for weeks then i will start to feel a little sad afterwards. I will shut it down so I don't feel it but each time I have an orgasm it gets worse and worse until i can't masturbate because i know that afterword i feel so bad. I feel like I imagine a wounded and dying animal feels.
For weeks now, maybe months i have the same fantasy, I have tried fantasizing about something different but I can't cum with anything but the same sick fantasy. It wouldn't be so bad if it was only once in awhile. Every night the same thing.
Why can't I forgive and forget? If I made a list of all the things that hurt me and all the things that were good i know which list would be longer. I have read that depressed people choose to remember the bad things and that is why they are depressed. So I should try to remember the good things. I don't know...it feels over simplified to me. Do you tell the little boy who was beaten almost every day that if he focuses on the days he wasn't beaten he will be happy?
Back to this sex and relationship thing. Some people are either horrified (my sister) that i am not interested in dating or feel sorry for me and assure me that there is someone for me and I will meet him someday ( Bonnie). It just so happens that my sis has a habit with obsessing over much much younger men ( I get that. I have been with a few....take 2 they are young) and she deludes herself into thinking they will ever be interested in anything other than a FWB sort of thing. So she calls me. Upset....it didn't work out. She thought they could get past her age and that she thought they loved her. She admits she always loses perspective in these things.
Bonnie on the other hand is 30 and she is on a mission. She wants to get married. I consider her a friend of sorts but she can be so shallow sometimes. Her latest boyfriend is a hot mess. She began dating him for his British accent ( I've been there too) and stayed for his physical and mental illness because she can't just date a man she has to date a project.
Yet some how I am the pathetic one, the one to feel sorry for. I'm just honest when I say i don't want it. I'm not ready for it. I'm afraid of it and I'm ok without it. My sis and Bonnie won't ever admit to that. Nope, they prefer to sabotage themselves. Denial works well. Of course I don't say that to them. Denial is a fluffy blanket with the silky edge that keeps us warm and safe.
This mood will pass and before I know it I will be back to being a unicorn that shoots rainbows out its ass while flying through the sunshiney sky but right now I am a donkey taking a crap in the middle of the road.
I don't have the energy for anything but making tea and soup and watching TV.
I don't understand peoples attitude towards sex. It really isn't a big deal. Everyone can do it. The simplest animal can do it. What is the attraction? Why do people think it is so important???
I like sex. I can enjoy it. I can even crave it. Sometimes I don't care. but even when I am craving it I don't see why society is so fascinated with it. I don't know why people are so interested in mating. That is how I look at it some days. Mating. Just a biological function, nothing more, nothing less. There are days when I can't imagine why anyone would want to have another person that close. Someone else's body, skin, breath, fluids that close. It is nasty, disgusting, gross, repulsive.
It is like the stupid zombie movie I'm half watching. Why do they keep making zombie movies??? Christ it is the same thing over and over. Zombie virus spreads, zombies attack, more zombies are created. Characters are all the same. One strong male lead, one strong female lead which of course means there has to be some kind of sexual tension between them. I really don't get it. If zombies are attacking i won't be thinking about if i am going to get laid. I suppose a lot of people would. I have heard that there is an increase in child births nine months following major disasters. Maybe it is like that theory that being scared and being sexually aroused are similar physiologically.
I suppose if I was honest with myself i could admit to some jealousy of people who are comfortable with sex and with their bodies and themselves. Even if i am having sex and enjoying it i'm not comfortable. It is like some horribly dangerous thing. It's mentally painful. It's angry. It leaves me vulnerable and exposed. i wait for the awful thing that will happen afterwards. If I was even more honest I would admit that even happens when i masturbate. Not all the time but it happens.
I have a cycle with that. I will be fine afterwards for weeks then i will start to feel a little sad afterwards. I will shut it down so I don't feel it but each time I have an orgasm it gets worse and worse until i can't masturbate because i know that afterword i feel so bad. I feel like I imagine a wounded and dying animal feels.
For weeks now, maybe months i have the same fantasy, I have tried fantasizing about something different but I can't cum with anything but the same sick fantasy. It wouldn't be so bad if it was only once in awhile. Every night the same thing.
Why can't I forgive and forget? If I made a list of all the things that hurt me and all the things that were good i know which list would be longer. I have read that depressed people choose to remember the bad things and that is why they are depressed. So I should try to remember the good things. I don't know...it feels over simplified to me. Do you tell the little boy who was beaten almost every day that if he focuses on the days he wasn't beaten he will be happy?
Back to this sex and relationship thing. Some people are either horrified (my sister) that i am not interested in dating or feel sorry for me and assure me that there is someone for me and I will meet him someday ( Bonnie). It just so happens that my sis has a habit with obsessing over much much younger men ( I get that. I have been with a few....take 2 they are young) and she deludes herself into thinking they will ever be interested in anything other than a FWB sort of thing. So she calls me. Upset....it didn't work out. She thought they could get past her age and that she thought they loved her. She admits she always loses perspective in these things.
Bonnie on the other hand is 30 and she is on a mission. She wants to get married. I consider her a friend of sorts but she can be so shallow sometimes. Her latest boyfriend is a hot mess. She began dating him for his British accent ( I've been there too) and stayed for his physical and mental illness because she can't just date a man she has to date a project.
Yet some how I am the pathetic one, the one to feel sorry for. I'm just honest when I say i don't want it. I'm not ready for it. I'm afraid of it and I'm ok without it. My sis and Bonnie won't ever admit to that. Nope, they prefer to sabotage themselves. Denial works well. Of course I don't say that to them. Denial is a fluffy blanket with the silky edge that keeps us warm and safe.
This mood will pass and before I know it I will be back to being a unicorn that shoots rainbows out its ass while flying through the sunshiney sky but right now I am a donkey taking a crap in the middle of the road.
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