i need help

my friends, i need help.  i'm sorry. at times i am strong, and i can give such insightful and helpful support.  but right now i need help... . . .  i am anxiety stricken.  i cant believe jessy is dead. at times i cant believe she ever exicted!  it just cant be real that there was such a bond and now she's gone from this world where we could physically love each other. a am shaking all the time, i cant keep still, i dont know WHAT TO DO WITH MYSELF.  whatever i do doesnt calm me.  there is so much demand, what with the other 3 kids, and their own needs, one special needs.  i feel so sad, so freaked out, nervous, scared scared scared. i dont know what of, i just feel afraid. what happened? oh G-d, what HAPPENED in my life? you are the only ones who KNOW what i am going through. please help me to pull through this one.  i feel like i've had such positive times, with so much ambition to do so much good. and it's as if im just falling deeper and deeper into - i dont know what