I need a vacation.
Seriously...A vacation would be so welcome. Tomorrow is my D day and I'm tired. Mother's Day is Sunday also and I'd just love a day alone. I love my kids like crazy but I could really use a break and just some time to figure out wtf I'm doing in this marriage. My H is gone right now to his SA meeting. What a joke. He's such an ass. I hate the bitter, jaded person I've become. So frustrating.
He asks me over and over "What else can I do?" Good question....if I knew I'd obviously already have told him. That's the problem though. What do you do to make up for betraying the person that loved you beyond reason? Nothing...there's nothing that makes up for that. I don't trust him.
I told myself and him after coming back when I first found out that I'd give this a year. I didn't want to rush such a huge decision that would impact my babies lives and make the wrong one but unfortunately I'm no closer to knowing what's right.
I hate feeling like there's a real life waiting for me out there. A real love. I thought I already had that. I'm going to be 30 this year, I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste my life. I'm scared. I'm frustrated...and I'm crazy irritated. It takes nothing for me to look at my husband with contempt these days. I find him annoying a lot of the time and sometimes for really stupid reasons. I whisper mean things at him as he walks away after irritating me when no one can hear.
"What the fuck am I doing with you? You're so stupid. Why am I even still married to you? I could do so much better..." Pathetic and mean but true...I do it. Who am I turning into? I NEVER in 100,000 years would have said things like that before, would have been so mean spirited and petty. As silly as it is I don't want to hurt him. It felt terrible after I found out. Watching him cry once my initial rage was spent and I was still considering leaving. Nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry.
Everyone says you'll know when to call it quits. You'll know when to end it. Will you? I don't. Am I just wasting time? I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore...
He asks me over and over "What else can I do?" Good question....if I knew I'd obviously already have told him. That's the problem though. What do you do to make up for betraying the person that loved you beyond reason? Nothing...there's nothing that makes up for that. I don't trust him.
I told myself and him after coming back when I first found out that I'd give this a year. I didn't want to rush such a huge decision that would impact my babies lives and make the wrong one but unfortunately I'm no closer to knowing what's right.
I hate feeling like there's a real life waiting for me out there. A real love. I thought I already had that. I'm going to be 30 this year, I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to waste my life. I'm scared. I'm frustrated...and I'm crazy irritated. It takes nothing for me to look at my husband with contempt these days. I find him annoying a lot of the time and sometimes for really stupid reasons. I whisper mean things at him as he walks away after irritating me when no one can hear.
"What the fuck am I doing with you? You're so stupid. Why am I even still married to you? I could do so much better..." Pathetic and mean but true...I do it. Who am I turning into? I NEVER in 100,000 years would have said things like that before, would have been so mean spirited and petty. As silly as it is I don't want to hurt him. It felt terrible after I found out. Watching him cry once my initial rage was spent and I was still considering leaving. Nothing worse than seeing a grown man cry.
Everyone says you'll know when to call it quits. You'll know when to end it. Will you? I don't. Am I just wasting time? I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore...
Replies