I need a horse

I went to the bereavement counselor today--was there talking almost 2 hours. I admit I'm exhausted now, but I needed that. I will be seeing her weekly for the time being. 

One of the biggest "symptoms" I am dealing with right now is lack of sleep. Sleep happens when it happens. I start to get really anxious when it gets dark out, knowing I am going to be fighting the demons. There is no such thing as getting ready for bed and trying to settle in at a certain time. I cannot sleep unless I am so exhausted my body shuts down. If I try, the thoughts and feelings just swirl around me and scare, upset or anger me. I'm usually reading, or online or playing solitaire, which is usually enough of a diversion until I just can't stay awake anymore.  Then I usually fall asleep in the afternoon--here again, my body just shuts down. Not a good thing when you are supposed to be working. I am going to try again to call my dr. and get an appt. and tell them what's going on and see if they can help me. (I've tried OTC meds, I've tried guided meditation, I've tried exercise--nothing does it). In my present state of mind (I feel kind of hopeless/kind of paranoid) I'm expecting I won't get any help from this, but I cannot continue like this. It affects everything--my physical/mental/emotional health and I need every bit of strength I can muster right now just to pull through a day. 

The counselor gave me something--some of you may have seen this before, but I will share anyway:

"Grief I've learned is really love.  It's all the love you want to give but cannot.   All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and the hollow part of your chest.   Grief is just love with no place to go."

Then she told me about something else. There is a pilot program starting in October involving horses. This has been done successfully with physically/mentally challenged people, veterans, people with PTSD--probably some other groups. They want to try it with people who are grieving. I actually forgot to bring the literature home with me (it was on the same clipboard as the application and I just handed it all back), but I did get this off the internet:

" Horses are uniquely sensitive to the feelings of those around them and respond in ways which reflect aspects of ourselves and our relationships.  The EAGALA* Model is an innovative, ethical set of best practices that builds on the human/horse connection to help people learn more about themselves and to use that learning to change their lives. "

* Equine Assisted Growth and Learning Association 

I want to do this so badly. It is the first thing I have felt enthusiastic about in a long time. It's something for me to look forward to. But--(and there's always buts getting in my way)--they can only take 8 people, and presently the session is full. They are, within the next week, confirming that all these people will be attending, and even then there is always a chance someone will need to drop out on short notice. If that happens, the spot is mine, as I am the 9th person to apply.

Depending on how this goes, they will do another session "sometime next year", but I want this now, and I want it so badly. Prayers, candles, good mojo--whatever anyone can throw my way, I will take it. This is like the best potential thing I've had put in front of me in a long time. I'm afraid I will be crushed if I can't do this. Good vibes my way, please 

I need a horse.