:'( I need a hug...
Dear DS diary,
For the last two weeks I've been trying to work with my therapist -- who knows about what haunts me and what it has done to me as a person -- about trying to expose myself to new surroundings. So far, it has gotten nowhere, and yesterday is proof.
Witness: Last night, I was supposed to be going out to dinner with my parents...yes, the same ones who I've complained about admitting that they're both overweight but being unwilling to do anything about. This was to a relatively new Italian restaurant in Malden (not far from home) that I've been told has an atmosphere similar to a more tavern-type restaurant that they like to frequent regularly.
I haven't had any bad incidents in Malden, and neither have there been problems when I've gone to this other tavern-type place, either...so it would seem that this would be a good place to take a step forward, especially with the parents-as-bodyguards trick that I've alluded to a couple of times before here, right?
Not when you're haunted by trauma like I am. Disaster struck the night before, twice. First, I really don't care what people tell me, all the decent Italian restaurants and crowded and noisy because that's what the aficionados prefer. Anytime a place is relatively new, it's popular, and that means exposure to people I inherently don't trust...a problem that I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. This gave me trouble falling asleep. but the real blow came a few hours later, at 4:30 am yesterday morning.
That's when the nightmare came calling. This time, it was the day in HS when I got caught in the middle of a food fight during my lunch block. It apparently had been so carefully planned beforehand that nobody but the perpetrators knew, because someone -- not me -- manged to turn off the cafetria lights without arousing suspicion, and the second that happened, chaos erupted, Thinking it was something worse than food, me and a bunch of others from all different tables hightailed it for the lobby area outside the cafeteria, and most of us were afriad to go back in even after it was over. When I finally did, what was left of my lunch was gone, which by that point was okay because I was hit by mustard packets a couple of times before I could get out once the fight erupted...so I honestly would have thrown out whatever was left anyway.
Put those two together, and it was inevitable that I would have a nervous breakdown, which is precisely what happened. It rendered me worthless at work for the better part of 40 minutes, most of which I spent in the basement. By the time I came to, I knew I would have to stay home; my head was a mess and I looked and felt completely miserable. The only good thing that happened was that my mother, who also works at the pharmacy, actually listened for once (where were they when it mattered years ago?) when I told her what happened.
So I ended up with this night to myself, wondering what could have been if I had any answers at all about how to imagine better endings to the nightmares that continue to haunt me. Challenging them won't get me anywhere...especially not when you consider that since it took 20 years for me to do anything about this, it's honestly too late to do anything about the people trust issues that have had that long to develop. They'll be a part of me forever.
Which is why I am practically destined to be a journeyman as my handle implies. :'(
For the last two weeks I've been trying to work with my therapist -- who knows about what haunts me and what it has done to me as a person -- about trying to expose myself to new surroundings. So far, it has gotten nowhere, and yesterday is proof.
Witness: Last night, I was supposed to be going out to dinner with my parents...yes, the same ones who I've complained about admitting that they're both overweight but being unwilling to do anything about. This was to a relatively new Italian restaurant in Malden (not far from home) that I've been told has an atmosphere similar to a more tavern-type restaurant that they like to frequent regularly.
I haven't had any bad incidents in Malden, and neither have there been problems when I've gone to this other tavern-type place, either...so it would seem that this would be a good place to take a step forward, especially with the parents-as-bodyguards trick that I've alluded to a couple of times before here, right?
Not when you're haunted by trauma like I am. Disaster struck the night before, twice. First, I really don't care what people tell me, all the decent Italian restaurants and crowded and noisy because that's what the aficionados prefer. Anytime a place is relatively new, it's popular, and that means exposure to people I inherently don't trust...a problem that I'm stuck with for the rest of my life. This gave me trouble falling asleep. but the real blow came a few hours later, at 4:30 am yesterday morning.
That's when the nightmare came calling. This time, it was the day in HS when I got caught in the middle of a food fight during my lunch block. It apparently had been so carefully planned beforehand that nobody but the perpetrators knew, because someone -- not me -- manged to turn off the cafetria lights without arousing suspicion, and the second that happened, chaos erupted, Thinking it was something worse than food, me and a bunch of others from all different tables hightailed it for the lobby area outside the cafeteria, and most of us were afriad to go back in even after it was over. When I finally did, what was left of my lunch was gone, which by that point was okay because I was hit by mustard packets a couple of times before I could get out once the fight erupted...so I honestly would have thrown out whatever was left anyway.
Put those two together, and it was inevitable that I would have a nervous breakdown, which is precisely what happened. It rendered me worthless at work for the better part of 40 minutes, most of which I spent in the basement. By the time I came to, I knew I would have to stay home; my head was a mess and I looked and felt completely miserable. The only good thing that happened was that my mother, who also works at the pharmacy, actually listened for once (where were they when it mattered years ago?) when I told her what happened.
So I ended up with this night to myself, wondering what could have been if I had any answers at all about how to imagine better endings to the nightmares that continue to haunt me. Challenging them won't get me anywhere...especially not when you consider that since it took 20 years for me to do anything about this, it's honestly too late to do anything about the people trust issues that have had that long to develop. They'll be a part of me forever.
Which is why I am practically destined to be a journeyman as my handle implies. :'(
Replies
My dear friend, forgive me if I\'ve misunderstood what you\'ve shared recently in your journals. I don\'t \"know it all\" and what I am about to say is only opinions based on my understanding of what you\'ve said.
You\'d recently said \"after 3 mos.\", does that mean you\'ve only been in therapy for 3 mos. and/or with this particular therapist for 3 mos?
I\'m so sorry things went so backwards for you:(:(
IF you\'ve only been dealing with this trauma for 3 mos., in my opinion only,
that\'s not nearly enough time to work through it all. You\'ve spent so many years with this fear hanging over your head, there\'s no way you can overcome it in such a short time. Recovery is sometimes a long, slow process and has to be taken in just \"small bites\' so to speak. Your initial meeting with your new life coach is an example of that. You had a lot of fear/trepidation at first but once the initial meeting was over you seemed to feel safer.
Again, perhaps I misunderstood.
You seem to have set yourself up for a self-fulfilling prophecy when you said \"a problem that I\'m stuck with for the rest of my life\" and \", it\'s honestly too late to do anything about the people trust issues that have had that long to develop. They\'ll be a part of me forever.\"
You didn\'t develop these fears overnight and it would be unrealistic to think you could overcome them in a matter of a few mos. You also said
\"Challenging them won\'t get me anywhere\" which also sounds to me like you have given yourself a life sentence of misery.
Again, that\'s only an opinion of mine and my understanding of your comments. Please forgive me if I\'m misunderstanding your meaning.
Nothing is forever unless you decide it will be. Is there any way you could step back and basically say to yourself, ok, I hit a roadblock but I can find a way around/through/under it to get where I want to be? You shared a great quote on FB about \"fall 7 times, get up 8\", perhaps that\'s what you need to do? I have my own issues with PTSD from years of another kind of abuse but have to fight to keep things in perspective to remember that was then, this is now. I fight to see I am safe in my here and now and that danger no longer exists but I still have my \"triggers\" so to speak. At times like that, I have to step back, give myself a hug and keep telling myself I will get through this, it\'s only a temporary setback.
I am in no way trying to minimize what is happening to you, I hope you know that. What concerns me is that you seem to have made up your mind that you can\'t possibly work through this, ever. IF that is your thinking, then, indeed, it will continue to impede your ability to have a more fulfilling life.
You are still so very young, you can overcome this if you will be patient and kind to yourself. That negative self talk is only re-enforcing your fears it seems to me.
Perhaps contemplating the bowling thing along with going out with your folks was more than you could handle at once. Maybe just do the bowling thing at first and another time tackle going out with the folks to that other place or vice-versa?
Doing both at the same time is perhaps \"over stimulating\" your fears therein causing said nightmares? I am glad you mother did actually listen to you, that is a positive for you. Granted, she wasn\'t there back then but at that moment she was present with you. I hope that will count for something positive in your mind.
I wish I had some concrete, helpful ideas to offer you. I can only point out my perception of what you have said to yourself. The mind is a powerful tool and it can be used to help or hinder you. I hope you will, if needed, talk to your therp and re-evaluate your thinking as to what your perception of your future is vs. what is very much possible. At the least, I hope you will stop telling yourself, essentially, \"this is as good as it gets\" and resign yourself to these limitations. You have a lot to offer this world and I hope you will not give up your quest to overcome the past. It has no place in your here and now and deep within yourself, you do have the power to overcome it.
You can continue to be a \"journeyman\", journeying to a better and happier life, free of these fears rather than journeying in the darkness.
I\'ll not stop believing in you and I hope you will not stop believing in your own self!!!
(((((((((gentle hugs))))))))))
I am so sorry that thinking about going out to public places is causing you nightmares. I know it\'s hard with exposure therapy, but might be good to keep trying. I would like to believe that you will not be this way all your life. I would imagine they\'ve told you or you\'ve considered that you now have PTSD. Therapy is hard work and we usually feel worse when we leave. That means it\'s working. I know a lot of people get upset and say therapy is supposed to make you feel better, but the reason for therapy is too work at those problem areas that cause us so much trouble. I really hope you will stick with the therapy and continue to expose yourself even a little. I know the nightmares are scary, but remember they are not real. I just know you can do this!! You are stronger than you think!!
(((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))
Oh friend, very, very sorry that things took some steps backward for you. But I can definitely see how it could happen. A loud, crowded place doesn\'t sound like the ideal place to begin exposing yourself to people (good LORD that sounded really bad...but you know what I mean LOL). Is there a nice, quiet little place you could go? Perhaps a coffee shop during a slow period (usually in the early afternoon, after the morning and lunch rushes and before the after-school-and-work rush). Just an idea. I think it\'s INCREDIBLE that you\'re trying stuff like this...but maybe even smaller baby steps might be a better way...as always, just my thoughts :) peace and lights to ya :)
You said its too late for you to do anything about your people trust issues. I had a thought.: you don\'t trust people right? I don\'t either and mostly (in my life people have been untrustworthy) What I know is that it is not about trusting others its about trusting yourself. Its about knowing that you can handle a situation not about whether or not someone might cause a situation. I still don\'t trust others. I don\'t think I ever will b/c well I am smart and well because once burned (1,000 times burned) twice shy. But I do trust that I am smart enough kind enough tough enough to handle things. That helps a lot. Not sure if that will help at all.