I miss the rush

I'm definitely hypomanic right now borderline manic I would say. The pharmacy won't have my depakote in until Monday. I refuse to believe I have POTS today and I feel like nothing can touch me. I keep focussing and remembering the sleeping with the ball players back in my manic groupie days. Was I manic or just being a slut I often wonder? It was a rush for sure. Going to the game,getting the attention of a player,heading to the hotel bar after the game,running into said player,drinking on his tab,then sex in the hotel room and free room service in the morning. What was I thinking? Was I sane? I wasn't the only person doing this. My best friend was always by my side. Of course she's never been in a good place either with the cutting and has been on klonopin ever since.
I just went to the old website I use to blog on. Not only was I desructive but I helped others get into the lifestyle. It was like shooting fish in a barrel one lady once told me. Almost a buffet of good looking men most of them married looking to satisfy random women they met on the road. The St.Louis Cardinals were definitely the nicest group of guys. I remember when I slept with the first player who was married. I said I know your married I looked you up on the Internet. His response was does it bother you? I came back with if it doesn't bother you why the hell should it bother me? That's how I justified it. What the hell was I thinking? I'm not in a good place right now. My mind needs to reset and calm down. I don't know why these memories surfaced. It's prob time to talk about my past with my t doc. Yikes.