I'm trying to deal with my feelings towards my Mom & Brother... I have blame. But, I have love....
I've had recent moments over the phone with my own Mom (Nov. Dec.). I've had moments of anger about certain issues and how she treats them.... and how she should treat them. I love my Mom and have a fear of one day being without her. I also blame my Mom for many things. Its hard making a choice for the safety of you children... when on one hand getting rid of the abuser means having to struggle to live. In the end the abuser still wins. I have a 4yr old and a 15mon. old. She doesn't act like an "ideal grandmother" should. I have to ask her to watch the kids..... maybe 2-4 times a year for a dinner with my husband. She doesn't shower them with gifts like most grandparents do (but they do get things)... not that they need it. She's more worried about my 23 year old brother that still lives with her. She blames herself for him being ignored due to his drugged out alcoholic father (my stepfather) who sexually abused me for years. She doesn't want to be alone so in my opinion she buys his love and she pays for everything.... brand new 2010 truck... school, his part of the rent for her mortgage, utilities, cell phone ect. she does his laundry.... while he just put gas in his car or goes out with the girlfriend.... Yet, I was 23 or 24 when I stilled lived with her no car and I bought my own books for collage. I paid my own credit card... My brother's my reason for moving out with my then boyfriend now husband.
We had a disagreement over something and he ended up on top of me with both of his hands around my neck choking where I felt that I was going to pass out. In my hand was my cell phone. I call my Mom's cell while she was at work and was screaming for help. She was yelling at my brother that he better knock it off and she better not have to leave work and come break us up. Like it was both of us fight not just him flipping out. He let go and I sobbed to my Mom over the phone and she told me she had no time for our bullshitting. I left to go to my then best friend/cousin apartment until my boyfriend was off work.... I stayed with him that night and the next... went home on my Mom's day off to tell her I was tired of my brother. That I wasn't going to take his bull when we just got rid of his father. She said I was overreacting and needed to stop screaming at her. I left with more clothes and stayed 7 more days at my boyfriends... she called me asking when was I going to come over that I need to let her know if I was moving out... I didn't give and answer. Later that night she called trying to start a conversation up. Telling me she needed ink for her print... She came by the apartment and picked me up so I could help her. Halfway down the street she asked where my bag was... I said at home she got mad and drove me back to the apartment and dropped me off and told me that if I was moving in that I needed to get the rest of my stuff. I did so the following day when she was at work. She was so mad. She thought I'd be away for a week or so and that was that.... It's been almost 7 years.... I've NEVER regretted it for one second. My husband's my knight in shinning armor. I have two wonderful boys. I'm loved and cared for. I am free of abuse for 7 years and I'm feel stronger for knowing I put, my foot down and stood up for myself...
My Brother and I are like strangers we smile and fake laugh. I can honestly never see him again and not be sad. He is a reminder of my stepfather. His looks, his words, his mannerism, his insults even to this day. He thinks he is funny and sarcastic and witty when he's not. For having a father barely around or either not paying attention to him he sure picked up his personality to a "t"! I feel sorrow for him.... when my Mom's not around what then..... he works 3-4 hours a day for $8 no benefits no sick pay no nothing and has no direction in life but, for his girlfriend to tell him what classes to take where to eat ect. He has a false reality... but, then I think... he's a victim as well. He just took the wrong path. He got emotional and anger issues. He may need help. I've told my Mom that he NEEDS help. She doesn't listen. Her response is what if a future boss ect see he went and ask question. My response he doesn't have to explain. He response then what if they make and excuse and not hire because of it. My response then it's help or something bad happening or maybe him living a sad life.... then I start to yell at her her ending in me hanging up on her and not speaking to her for days. But, maybe my Brother took the path that some take rather than learning and trying to be better than your parents.... he's not worse but, he did take the path of a good person.... and for that I do not feel sorry for him. I try to not hate him...
hate:
dislike somebody or something intensely: to dislike somebody or something intensely, often in a way that evokes feelings of anger, hostility, or animosity
have strong distaste for something: to have strong distaste or aversion for something, somebody, or something that has to be done
feeling of intense hostility: a feeling of intense hostility toward somebody or something
but, I do most of the time have those feeling..... and I am ashamed to know that I do.
We had a disagreement over something and he ended up on top of me with both of his hands around my neck choking where I felt that I was going to pass out. In my hand was my cell phone. I call my Mom's cell while she was at work and was screaming for help. She was yelling at my brother that he better knock it off and she better not have to leave work and come break us up. Like it was both of us fight not just him flipping out. He let go and I sobbed to my Mom over the phone and she told me she had no time for our bullshitting. I left to go to my then best friend/cousin apartment until my boyfriend was off work.... I stayed with him that night and the next... went home on my Mom's day off to tell her I was tired of my brother. That I wasn't going to take his bull when we just got rid of his father. She said I was overreacting and needed to stop screaming at her. I left with more clothes and stayed 7 more days at my boyfriends... she called me asking when was I going to come over that I need to let her know if I was moving out... I didn't give and answer. Later that night she called trying to start a conversation up. Telling me she needed ink for her print... She came by the apartment and picked me up so I could help her. Halfway down the street she asked where my bag was... I said at home she got mad and drove me back to the apartment and dropped me off and told me that if I was moving in that I needed to get the rest of my stuff. I did so the following day when she was at work. She was so mad. She thought I'd be away for a week or so and that was that.... It's been almost 7 years.... I've NEVER regretted it for one second. My husband's my knight in shinning armor. I have two wonderful boys. I'm loved and cared for. I am free of abuse for 7 years and I'm feel stronger for knowing I put, my foot down and stood up for myself...
My Brother and I are like strangers we smile and fake laugh. I can honestly never see him again and not be sad. He is a reminder of my stepfather. His looks, his words, his mannerism, his insults even to this day. He thinks he is funny and sarcastic and witty when he's not. For having a father barely around or either not paying attention to him he sure picked up his personality to a "t"! I feel sorrow for him.... when my Mom's not around what then..... he works 3-4 hours a day for $8 no benefits no sick pay no nothing and has no direction in life but, for his girlfriend to tell him what classes to take where to eat ect. He has a false reality... but, then I think... he's a victim as well. He just took the wrong path. He got emotional and anger issues. He may need help. I've told my Mom that he NEEDS help. She doesn't listen. Her response is what if a future boss ect see he went and ask question. My response he doesn't have to explain. He response then what if they make and excuse and not hire because of it. My response then it's help or something bad happening or maybe him living a sad life.... then I start to yell at her her ending in me hanging up on her and not speaking to her for days. But, maybe my Brother took the path that some take rather than learning and trying to be better than your parents.... he's not worse but, he did take the path of a good person.... and for that I do not feel sorry for him. I try to not hate him...
hate:
dislike somebody or something intensely: to dislike somebody or something intensely, often in a way that evokes feelings of anger, hostility, or animosity
have strong distaste for something: to have strong distaste or aversion for something, somebody, or something that has to be done
feeling of intense hostility: a feeling of intense hostility toward somebody or something
but, I do most of the time have those feeling..... and I am ashamed to know that I do.
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