I'm tired of this feeling.

I'm tired of this feeling. I'm tired of feeling like I'm a piece of shit. I'm tired of people not taking my side in anything. I'm tired of just people not accepting how I am. I'm not a rude person at all. I have a slight accent and say things in a different way and people get on my ass about certain words I say. I want all this pain to stop so badly. I don't know what to do. I've tried talking to people, I tried doing nothing, I tried ignoring it, I tried thinking everything will get better. Nothing has ever gotten better, ever. I tried of this physical pain I feel everyday, I'm especially tired of this stress and strain my brain has constantly.
I just don't want to be here anymore. I wish something would happen and I could just leave or something. I tried so many times to just leave, but I fail everytime. Like I'm cursed to live here. I have this really bad rash on my hand and I don't know what it is. I wish it was on my brain and would magically cause a seizure or aneurysm to kill me.
I don't want to feel like this. I wish I didn't feel like this at all. I just hate myself so much because that's all I know how to do. I'm trying to teach myself how to not hate myself. But, it's so hard when everyone around you doesn't understand what depression is and some of them trigger things that I'm trying to get through or forget.
I have this huge knife in my room. I have no idea if I'll do something with it or not. I'm just trying not to look at it or anything. I just want to curl up and cry, really. I have no idea what I'm gonna do next. For some reason my body doesn't listen to me much and the things I do are out of my control. It's just scary all the time, not knowing what my thoughts or anything are until the last minute. And not knowing what my body is trying to do until the last minute.
My hand is bleeding because I've been scratching it too much. I don't know what this is. I just really don't want to be here and wish I could just die already so I won't have to be in constant pain anymore.