I'm tired of it.

I sick of fighting this at times. Sometimes I wonder if it worth the fight. I don't mean ending my life but fighting my illness is hard. I see people around who do the wrong thing get rewarded and I try my best to do what's right and get nowhere.  Sometimes I want to act out and see if I get a better response from people. The thing is that behavior no longer flies with me  because I know better. I still feel worthless, that I'm a bad person and the need to drop my friends because I'm a bad person.  I wish that these feelings would go away for a while- like several months. I know in reality that I will feel this way at times but it just happens many times for me. I want to feel more positively more often, not just once and awhile. I'm just tired of feeling like dirt. I know it will pass but I'm impatience for it to do so. Augh the world of feelings that I ran from most of my life.