I'm...scared...
Dear DS diary,
Ugh, I haven't been on here in basically what might as well be forever. No, I can't explain why. Still having problems getting a grip on my life, perhaps?
I did run my first 5K last month. It was a thrill and a half for me (Julie111, you have no idea how many hugs I owe you for being there privately to actually help a dream come true). I promise I'll talk more about that soon.
But tonight I need to talk about these retriggers, and I mean ugh.
It's still taking too little to bring back memories and fears that are holding me back. The latest instance occurred in Paris this past Friday. As usual, it's been all over the news this weekend. And since having radio news on at meals with my parents is non-negotiable -- I can't get it turned off -- there's no way for me to avoid the exposure.
Doesn't it seem to anybody that these things are occurring more often around the world recently to you? It feels that way to me. And I can only speak for me but each time it happens, it brings back things that I'm trying to come to terms with privately with friends but are still such a part of me that each time they're retriggered it hurts a little more. The list reads like a broken record: The smoke bombing I had to endure in high school. The time just before I graduated from that same HS when it was rumored I was going to be a hogtie target for a scavenger hunt. The Boston Marathon bombings that shattered the image I had in my head that Copley Square was a safe place to go. Do I need to go on? I might as well be living a mid-'80s Genesis song: "Land of Confusion". (look it up)
The end result is I don't want to go anywhere anymore unless someone scouts it out first...and even then sometimes it's not enough. My sister was gifted tickets to the new Peanuts movie recently, and she sent out an open invite to my house because she had two tickets and wouldn't mind getting more. Have you read the Peanuts comics strips or seen any of the older specials or animated features? It's harmless material, really, the kind of stuff that I wouldn't mind watching.
But movie theaters and me don't get along. My senses can't handle loud noises. Bad experiences at a local concert I went to on St. Patrick's Day weekend a couple of years ago told me as much. So the odds were not good that I would be going on this jaunt anyway. But after news of Paris broke, those odds went from slim to I'm-not-going-there-for-about-twenty-years (if at all).
The odds of me handling the unfamiliar are getting worse. It's putting more strain on me than I want to publicly admit because the safety concerns are still there and arguably deteriorating. I don't know what else I can say. I feel confused, lost, hurt.
Ugh, I haven't been on here in basically what might as well be forever. No, I can't explain why. Still having problems getting a grip on my life, perhaps?
I did run my first 5K last month. It was a thrill and a half for me (Julie111, you have no idea how many hugs I owe you for being there privately to actually help a dream come true). I promise I'll talk more about that soon.
But tonight I need to talk about these retriggers, and I mean ugh.
It's still taking too little to bring back memories and fears that are holding me back. The latest instance occurred in Paris this past Friday. As usual, it's been all over the news this weekend. And since having radio news on at meals with my parents is non-negotiable -- I can't get it turned off -- there's no way for me to avoid the exposure.
Doesn't it seem to anybody that these things are occurring more often around the world recently to you? It feels that way to me. And I can only speak for me but each time it happens, it brings back things that I'm trying to come to terms with privately with friends but are still such a part of me that each time they're retriggered it hurts a little more. The list reads like a broken record: The smoke bombing I had to endure in high school. The time just before I graduated from that same HS when it was rumored I was going to be a hogtie target for a scavenger hunt. The Boston Marathon bombings that shattered the image I had in my head that Copley Square was a safe place to go. Do I need to go on? I might as well be living a mid-'80s Genesis song: "Land of Confusion". (look it up)
The end result is I don't want to go anywhere anymore unless someone scouts it out first...and even then sometimes it's not enough. My sister was gifted tickets to the new Peanuts movie recently, and she sent out an open invite to my house because she had two tickets and wouldn't mind getting more. Have you read the Peanuts comics strips or seen any of the older specials or animated features? It's harmless material, really, the kind of stuff that I wouldn't mind watching.
But movie theaters and me don't get along. My senses can't handle loud noises. Bad experiences at a local concert I went to on St. Patrick's Day weekend a couple of years ago told me as much. So the odds were not good that I would be going on this jaunt anyway. But after news of Paris broke, those odds went from slim to I'm-not-going-there-for-about-twenty-years (if at all).
The odds of me handling the unfamiliar are getting worse. It's putting more strain on me than I want to publicly admit because the safety concerns are still there and arguably deteriorating. I don't know what else I can say. I feel confused, lost, hurt.
Replies
I think it also needs to be said, since I haven\'t been here in an age, that I gave up on my shrink. I tried to be honest with him, but he just didn\'t understand how deep my fears and problems run. I\'ve been through about seven people between shrinks and psychologists now, and only one really listened to me...and just when I was gaining traction with her she moved to the Carolinas. I\'m so disillusioned with professionals now I don\'t know if I want to try another one again. :(
My dear friend, I haven\'t been here in ages my own self. For me, it was an effort to see if I would be able to \"click\" on a different site with different people.....turns out it was even worse for me. I just could not handle all that \"happy, happy\" things that virtually everyone posted.
As far as what happened in Paris, you are not alone in that fear now. I can relate too well to it. I live about 10-15 min. from a military base and every time something like this happens, they go on \"high alert\". It really ramps up my own fear that one of these times it will be the target.
Right after I\'d learned it happened, I thought of you and what it would do to you. I\'m so sorry my fear was justified. I really don\'t think you\'re alone in this type of fear. I also think there seems to be more and more instances of this happening these days:(:( We can\'t live in a \"bubble\" though. Doing that only gives the terrorists what they want, a country full of fear:(:(
I\'m so sorry you have to listen to the news reports of that:(:( I can\'t imagine how I\'d handle having to do that over and over:(:(
As far as getting another psychologist, I hope you won\'t give up. You did find one good one in the past so I really think you can do it again. You have a keen sense as to whether or not it would be a good match. I know only too well how hard it is though, to find one that actually \"hears\" you and doesn\'t just sit there listening while seeming to be thinking of other things.
You were able to achieve your goal of running the marathon...try to tap into the courage it took for you to do that and then work on a new project.
It\'s been a more than difficult year for you I know and I hope with all my heart something good will happen to you.
You\'re stronger than you think you are or you wouldn\'t still be here!!!!
Keep on keepin\' on, I believe in you!!!!
(((((((((HUGS))))))