I'm regressing
The weekend was mostly bad. Sunday was very bad. I ended my camping trip a little early because of anxiety and feeling like I was a big, fat , gross, disgusting excuse for a human being. Not sure why that happened. I was with good friends and they accept me as I am, as I was and how I will be. By Sunday I was ripping and pulling my hair as well as eating non stop.
My therapist was able to reschedule the appointment I missed so I did that yesterday. Sometimes I think he likes me and other times I think he hates me. Sometimes I think very negatively about him. I don't know if I have valid concerns or if I am just thinking up excuses to end therapy. I sometimes think he just wants to "hang out" He thinks I put to much pressure on myself to talk about stuff. I am usually really anxious when I am there. He always asks me why. He asked me twice Monday. The second time I smiled and asked, "Didn't I already answer that?" Sometimes I wonder if he listens. Maybe he was looking for a different answer. Maybe he wants me to talk openly about my transference issues. Maybe I read too much into things. I think it is the latter. He is very laid back and in many ways easy to talk to...unless it is something painful or embarrassing.
Tonight I find myself feeling that loneliness and anxiety beginning. This doesn't usually happen during the week. I want something, someone. I have something empty inside of me. This feeling makes me anxious. Best not to spend too much time on it.
My therapist was able to reschedule the appointment I missed so I did that yesterday. Sometimes I think he likes me and other times I think he hates me. Sometimes I think very negatively about him. I don't know if I have valid concerns or if I am just thinking up excuses to end therapy. I sometimes think he just wants to "hang out" He thinks I put to much pressure on myself to talk about stuff. I am usually really anxious when I am there. He always asks me why. He asked me twice Monday. The second time I smiled and asked, "Didn't I already answer that?" Sometimes I wonder if he listens. Maybe he was looking for a different answer. Maybe he wants me to talk openly about my transference issues. Maybe I read too much into things. I think it is the latter. He is very laid back and in many ways easy to talk to...unless it is something painful or embarrassing.
Tonight I find myself feeling that loneliness and anxiety beginning. This doesn't usually happen during the week. I want something, someone. I have something empty inside of me. This feeling makes me anxious. Best not to spend too much time on it.
Replies
Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time and thinking such negative thoughts about yourself. Sounds like you are very confused about your therapist. Can you discuss it with him? I hope you can start being kind to yourself.
I\'m sure if I should talk to him about specifics. When I tell him I have trouble trusting him he says it\'s ok. I just need time and it is ok to be cautious. I have been seeing him for a year now. I feel like he is asking me to trust in a way I have never done before. He doesn\'t push but maybe I need him to push.
You are doing well. People see it as you are really better than you perceive. All of ptsd/abuse victims,,, psych, client... we can usually \'bounce stuff off on them\' or others, and they see you/me/us all in different perspective. I also read way in to things, way too deep like you! -HA! thanks now I don\'t feel so weird about it.
And yes it does kind of change in different ways the more time you are in tx and relationship gets more-trust- \'bonded\'? with our therapists/psych doc.... This is a what stumped me healing things change and I also need a BIG PUSH. I am a always cautious with every single person in my life. Makes us feel safer?? ; )