I'm not cured. I am better.
For almost four years now I've been in a long period of depression and never mentioned it to anyone except on here. Because of the depression I started cutting, I was overweight before I was depressed, but when I got depressed I gained 30 lb in the first 8 months and then another 40 after that. I failed my first year of university and watched the disappointment look on my parent's face every time I went to visit whether they meant to show it or not. I had absolutely no self-confidence and hated every aspect of myself that I spent long periods of time avoiding looking in the mirror.
It took a while, but I'm finally beginning to crawl out of that hole. I'm still partially depressed, I still lack a lot of self-confidence, I'm still overweight, but I'm not that person anymore. I had surgery cut out 2/3 of my stomach so that my stomach can no longer handle eating the portions it used to. Some people may say that was an easy way out, I thought that at first. It's not. They may have cut out 2/3 of my stomach but I still left that hospital the same weight I went in, so I dieted, I excessed and I tortured myself. I lost around 80lb. I'm about 3 months late on meeting my initial weight goal, but I am 2.6 lbs away now so I won't give up.
I thought weight was going to solve it all. It didn't. Today I have reached the lowest weight point since 2006. I am back in university and getting A's and B's. I stopped cutting, although I still have my weak moments I focus on the changes. And I do my best when I'm about to cut, I try to place myself in a public place. The mall, the street, a restaurant, friends if there are any around, or the gym. I am beginning to control my life.
My self-confidence is still low, but I have some now. I get anxious and stressed and don't sleep for days, but I also sometimes get dressed and feel good about myself, I feel better, I feel like there is something that's not totally messed up about me. I don't think I look perfect, I still want a flat stomach and to look hot, but don't we all. It's most likely not going to happen, but at least as long as I work on trying to be healthy, I am not ashamed every time I look in the mirror.
I'm not cured. I don't think there is such a thing as cured. But I am better.
It took a while, but I'm finally beginning to crawl out of that hole. I'm still partially depressed, I still lack a lot of self-confidence, I'm still overweight, but I'm not that person anymore. I had surgery cut out 2/3 of my stomach so that my stomach can no longer handle eating the portions it used to. Some people may say that was an easy way out, I thought that at first. It's not. They may have cut out 2/3 of my stomach but I still left that hospital the same weight I went in, so I dieted, I excessed and I tortured myself. I lost around 80lb. I'm about 3 months late on meeting my initial weight goal, but I am 2.6 lbs away now so I won't give up.
I thought weight was going to solve it all. It didn't. Today I have reached the lowest weight point since 2006. I am back in university and getting A's and B's. I stopped cutting, although I still have my weak moments I focus on the changes. And I do my best when I'm about to cut, I try to place myself in a public place. The mall, the street, a restaurant, friends if there are any around, or the gym. I am beginning to control my life.
My self-confidence is still low, but I have some now. I get anxious and stressed and don't sleep for days, but I also sometimes get dressed and feel good about myself, I feel better, I feel like there is something that's not totally messed up about me. I don't think I look perfect, I still want a flat stomach and to look hot, but don't we all. It's most likely not going to happen, but at least as long as I work on trying to be healthy, I am not ashamed every time I look in the mirror.
I'm not cured. I don't think there is such a thing as cured. But I am better.
Replies
Hugs to you. Congrats on your weight loss and all of your progress. You\'re right about no cure....but there is hope. Keep taking life one step at a time and your better will increase. Have you talked to your family yet? I hope you get the support you need. Take care :)
No I haven\'t talked to my family about any of this. I can\'t do it. I don\'t know how to... Not to my family and not with friends either... It\'s not exactly easy... What am I going to say? \"Hey long time no see, by the way I\'ve been depressed for 3-4 years, oh, and I cut too. What has everyone else been up to?\" It\'s probably better not telling them... at least for them it is. My mom would freak out and they\'ll blame themselves and it\'s not their fault so I don\'t want them thinking it is.