I'm never alone, I'm alone all the time.
I know I'm trying my hardest with all of this. I'm actually not trying to get the bad thoughts to control me anymore. I want them to go away. But, they keep attacking me. Like it's an addiction, my body wants it and I'm trying to stop. It won't let me stop. It keeps wanting me to go back to those thoughts and it's so difficult. I guess it is an addiction, somewhat. Maybe not as bad as drugs or alcohol. It's still bad right? I know it is. It's been there my whole life and it wants me to go back to it. I honestly do want to go back a litle bit, but I won't let myself do that. It's telling myself that i'm useless and hopless and every kind of bad thing it can think of.
Then theres this other side that wants to help me, but it's scared. It's scared because it doesn't wanna turn into the bad thoughts. I wants to stay far away from those thoughts as much as it can, so it won't be like them. I'm trying to go with the side that wants to help me. But, at the same time the bad thoughts are just making fun of me and calling me names and everything. The nice thoughts want whats good for me and doesn't want me to suffer or be sad anymore. It wants me to be happy and strong. That's how I wanna be. It's pretty difficult though.
I just wanna run away from my thoughts. It changes it's mind every second or 2 and I just want to control it and make it stop. I'm trying to control it, it's a little better than yesterday, but not by much. But, I'm gettin there.
The title of this entry sorta means what I just explained. One side of me wants me to believe that I'm not alone and the other side of me wants me to believe that I am alone. So, my mind is just stuck inbetween saying that I'm not alone, but I'm alone all the time. It's very frustrating to be inbetween that. I wana believe something, but everytime I try to believe myself, something goes wrong. I do feel alone, but I don't feel alone at the same time. Like my mind goes back and forth inbetween that. Wanting to claw at me and fix my wounds.
Then theres this other side that wants to help me, but it's scared. It's scared because it doesn't wanna turn into the bad thoughts. I wants to stay far away from those thoughts as much as it can, so it won't be like them. I'm trying to go with the side that wants to help me. But, at the same time the bad thoughts are just making fun of me and calling me names and everything. The nice thoughts want whats good for me and doesn't want me to suffer or be sad anymore. It wants me to be happy and strong. That's how I wanna be. It's pretty difficult though.
I just wanna run away from my thoughts. It changes it's mind every second or 2 and I just want to control it and make it stop. I'm trying to control it, it's a little better than yesterday, but not by much. But, I'm gettin there.
The title of this entry sorta means what I just explained. One side of me wants me to believe that I'm not alone and the other side of me wants me to believe that I am alone. So, my mind is just stuck inbetween saying that I'm not alone, but I'm alone all the time. It's very frustrating to be inbetween that. I wana believe something, but everytime I try to believe myself, something goes wrong. I do feel alone, but I don't feel alone at the same time. Like my mind goes back and forth inbetween that. Wanting to claw at me and fix my wounds.
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