I'm Making Progress & It Feels Soooo Damn Good!
I'm making progress and it feels really good. I'm finally starting to feel better, about myself and about my life... I still get those rush of emotions every once in a while but they're WAAAAY less frequent and most of the time I can somewhat manage those moment. Until around September/October I was CONSTANTLY feeling lonely, depressed, LOTS of self-hate, and mostly like I wanted to die, that I didn't deserve to live, like I had no reason to live.
Then when I started losing weight they started to come and go but they felt worse when they came back because I used to blame all those feelings on me being fat and when I lost weight and still got those feelings it hit me it wasn't my looks it was my personality which made it extremely hard for me. I used to think to myself I'd much rather blame it on being fat... Lately, when I get those feelings again, way less frequently, I can somewhat manage it. My initial reaction isn't to turn to cutting anymore, obviously I still do get moments where I think about cutting, but it's not that first thing that pops into my mind! Now I go take a walk or go to a cafe or something. I feel like I'm gaining control of my life now days and it feels so good.
I'm pretty sure 70% of it is because of the weight loss I mean I don't feel ugly I don't feel like I look like shit all the time, that I'm a waste of a person, and I actually like going out because I can get dressed and get ready and I don't have a problem looking at myself in the mirror and not thinking to myself "fuck you, go die, you look horrible." I actually have moments where I feel beautiful. That's something I never felt before. No matter how much I would dress up, make up, hair, all of it, I still would look at myself and think that person in the mirror looks like shit. I don't feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I look good just wearing a tshirt or a light sweater and jeans, nothing fancy, no spending $$ on make up and hair... Just simple normal person and I don't feel ugly.
I guess it's all interrelated or something, but the losing weight changed my thoughts about myself, I obviously don't feel like I'm hot or gorgeous or anything like that, but I don't hate everything about me anymore and that has helped my confidence a lot. Sometimes I get the guts to talk to people, to guys, I've never been in a relationship or even on a date until recently, no guy ever showed interest in me before and I never bothered because I was too insecure and too conscious about my weight, but now there are guys who flirt with me, cute guys, nice guys, and I'm flirting back and I've gone out on at least 4 or 5 dates in the past 2 months, I don't know for normal people whether that's a little or a lot, but for someone who spent 21 yrs and went out on a total of 1 date in the 21 yrs... 4 or 5 in 2 months is a huge step up! I'm also socializing with people in my classes, sometimes even random people at cafes and at the library. I'm making progress and it feels really good.
Then when I started losing weight they started to come and go but they felt worse when they came back because I used to blame all those feelings on me being fat and when I lost weight and still got those feelings it hit me it wasn't my looks it was my personality which made it extremely hard for me. I used to think to myself I'd much rather blame it on being fat... Lately, when I get those feelings again, way less frequently, I can somewhat manage it. My initial reaction isn't to turn to cutting anymore, obviously I still do get moments where I think about cutting, but it's not that first thing that pops into my mind! Now I go take a walk or go to a cafe or something. I feel like I'm gaining control of my life now days and it feels so good.
I'm pretty sure 70% of it is because of the weight loss I mean I don't feel ugly I don't feel like I look like shit all the time, that I'm a waste of a person, and I actually like going out because I can get dressed and get ready and I don't have a problem looking at myself in the mirror and not thinking to myself "fuck you, go die, you look horrible." I actually have moments where I feel beautiful. That's something I never felt before. No matter how much I would dress up, make up, hair, all of it, I still would look at myself and think that person in the mirror looks like shit. I don't feel like that. Sometimes I feel like I look good just wearing a tshirt or a light sweater and jeans, nothing fancy, no spending $$ on make up and hair... Just simple normal person and I don't feel ugly.
I guess it's all interrelated or something, but the losing weight changed my thoughts about myself, I obviously don't feel like I'm hot or gorgeous or anything like that, but I don't hate everything about me anymore and that has helped my confidence a lot. Sometimes I get the guts to talk to people, to guys, I've never been in a relationship or even on a date until recently, no guy ever showed interest in me before and I never bothered because I was too insecure and too conscious about my weight, but now there are guys who flirt with me, cute guys, nice guys, and I'm flirting back and I've gone out on at least 4 or 5 dates in the past 2 months, I don't know for normal people whether that's a little or a lot, but for someone who spent 21 yrs and went out on a total of 1 date in the 21 yrs... 4 or 5 in 2 months is a huge step up! I'm also socializing with people in my classes, sometimes even random people at cafes and at the library. I'm making progress and it feels really good.
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