I'm in a desert.
Lately it feels as if I've been abandoned alone in a huge desert full of nothing but pain and heartache. I experience the pain of Colleen's passing for the first time now. For 6 months I was numb, but now my feelings came alive, and they HURT!!
I just want each day to be over. Yes, there is life after loss, but somehow I missed that ride to the new "tomorrow". And I really don't care.
Sunday morning, while attending the church service, I first felt the Lord's presence very close to me, and then I felt Colleen's presence... I just broke down and cried. At that moment I re-lived her funeral all over again.
Whatever goes on around me, just doesn't stick to me, and I just don't care. I live because I have to, not because I want to.
Sorry, I just need to vent today.
I just want each day to be over. Yes, there is life after loss, but somehow I missed that ride to the new "tomorrow". And I really don't care.
Sunday morning, while attending the church service, I first felt the Lord's presence very close to me, and then I felt Colleen's presence... I just broke down and cried. At that moment I re-lived her funeral all over again.
Whatever goes on around me, just doesn't stick to me, and I just don't care. I live because I have to, not because I want to.
Sorry, I just need to vent today.
Replies
I hear you darling....and have felt exactly as you do right now. Yes, it hurts SO much!!!!! And yes, coming out of the numbness is scary and painful and looks nothing at all like a \"friend\".
You have not \"missed the ride\" precious....you are riding the pain and agony of survival toward YOUR healing with each breath you take. Thinking about a \"new tomorrow\" or a \"new me\" or a \"new life\" is just too overwhelming at times and quite frankly, often pissed me off. I didn\'t ask for anything new!!! Sure as hell didn\'t want \"this\" new!!!! And trust me, no one has vented here among the SOTH\'s any more than I have!!! So vent on my friend....tis good for the soul!
We long to truly FEEL the presence of our precious children and then when we are gifted with it, it comes as a two edged sword doesn\'t it? Joy, and yet deep sorrow overwhelm us at the same time.
I \"lived because I had to\" for a long time. I had hope that one day I\'d \"want\" to live again, but wasn\'t really 100% convinced I would. I know now, many, many years later, it is possible to WANT life and to enjoy it. But right now, all you need to know is where you are today, this moment, is OK.
Feel all you need to feel. Vent all you need to vent. Cry and scream and cuss and pray and cry some more. And please know, we, your SOTH\'s are holding your heart in ours each step, each stand still moment, and each leap of faith, of the way!
Love to you sweet friend~~
Love to precious Colleen~~
it\'s a good thing to write,,, any venting is welcome....love ya!
You feel as if your heart might implode from the magnitude of your sorrow... I know... This is a pain and a hurt unlike anything in this world for a mother to feel in the marrow of her bones. I remember my bones aching as every part of me did for my beloved son as yours do now for your precious Colleen.
You are feeling your way through this desert experience and that is the only thing that you can do. Because your love is so deep and vast for your beloved Colleen so is your sorrow.
Come here as you are to journal and to share because in the collective are arms that will hold you and your heart when it becomes too painful to even know what to do or how to fee. Just BE within it dear friend as you are and know that the understanding among us is palpable.
Feeling your heart as only another mother can and holding your hand warmly in mine. Feel the pulse, feel the connectedness and we will walk through this dry bones experience together.
Loving care dear one, just this moment, just this day with deep inhales, exhales and many sighs and pauses in the midst.
I\'m with you and I care,
XO Joanie
Vent, cry and then know your SOTH are here walking the walk with you. Slow deep breathes my dear friend. Please know that I care and think of you and Colleen so often. May you feel the loving arms of God as HE holds you in his loving arms. Loving hugs, Debbie
Yes, all horribly normal, scary, persistent, seemingly endless. I understand, sister. ((((((( hugs )))))))))
My dear friend. I seriously remember the first \"breakthrough\" of reality that hit me about the same time. I am now sitting at 12 months. I remember describing it as a hollow chocolate easter bunny that the tiniest piece had broken off, allowing reality (and therefore pain) to be felt. It was shortly after that when the chocolate piece that had come away came back and while my existence was different, I didn\'t live each day in the overwhelming pain of reality. Reliving the funeral as well as each and every second leading up to it comes in waves, doesn\'t it? And then hopefully the numbness will again come to ease the immense pain.
At one year now, I can say that I am different. I no longer cry each and every day. I do however, carry around the burden of this existence and do not have the answer to how the next day, week, month or year will be. Only time will allow me that.
If nothing else, please know that how you feel your emotional journey today will be different in awhile.
Please keep venting, crying, screaming and whatever else you need to do to feel. Even through the numbness. This lifelong journey is one breath at a time, one tiny step at a time.
We are here to listen and be listened to, when you are strong enough, and you will be.
Tightest of hugs, for as long as you need, Merrilee
Sending lots of hugs and prayers.
Venting is good...and necessary. Our loss is so huge...so painful. Six months seems like a long time...but it is a blink of an eye...please know that it takes time. Each of us truly understand that absolute sorrow. I can remember how tears seemed to continually leak from my eyes...it felt like they were from my soul. Yes...my soul was crying. Take it moment by moment...we are here...love to you...Karen