I'm having a hard time, it's Smokey's birthday on Friday.

I am having a hard time as it is Smokey's birthday on Friday.  The first one without Smokey.  My heart is so heavy I had a hard time meditating and praying this morning.  There is much on my heart.  My daughter is Lisa.  Her friend Kirsten threw her a baby shower yesterday and there was 18 who attended including 4 girls's mothers as well.  It was a wonderful time.  I was watching the 4 mothers with their daughters and they seem so close.  When I separated from Lisa's dad, I left Lisa with her father as he made more money than compared to me.  I regret it to this day as I missed so much out of watching Lisa go from a rebelious teenager to a beautiful girl.  This is one of my biggest regrets that I missed so much out of Lisa's life.  She hate ed me for a long time so it too forever to mend our relationship to where it is today.  I guess I can't complain as Lisa has included me in her life and we have a much better relationship now.  She never accepted Smokey.  Smokey is the biggest love of my life and soul mate has left me alone on the crazy planet.  If we could trade places, I would not hesitate.  I would switch places with Smokey with no questions asked.  Today my heart is so heavy with grief.  I have to go grocery shopping and will have to force myself out of the house to do it.  I just want to stay home and hibernate.  I hurt so much with the grief and pain of it all.  My heart is heavy.  I hope you are having a better day than compared to me.