I'm going to be happy, dammit.
WARNING: this one's super-long. Like, War and Peace long. Fair notice. :)
I feel like I'm a lot more contemplative lately, and even though the pulling isn't getting better, I'm hoping that I can fix my brain, first, and then start in on the pulling.
The one thing I DO know is that I can stop. I've done it before, even though it was only for a few months. But what a great few months! The times when its' good/stopped are always when I'm happy, when I don't have stressors, when I'm around people. I am really, really a people person, which I think is part of what makes me having this disease so depressing - I feel like all I want to do is be close to people, but there's such a huge part of me that I want to hide/divides me from people when they find out. Even though people try to understand, and most do, sometime I can just tell that people think of me differently. I don't know that they think less of me, necessarily, but it's like I'm a schizophrenic or something who just isn't 'normal,' who they just can't relate to because I'm different on a fundamental level.
At any rate: my pulling is at its best when I'm taking care of myself, when I'm getting enough sleep, when I'm happy. And I think that's a big reason of why I pull so much at law school: I'm away from my friends, in a high-stress environment, and I'm under constant pressure to look perfect. (They even told us for interviews that we needed to make sure our hair and makeup looked nice, clean, and professional. Kind of hard when you don't have a lot of hair to clean... :-/)
The good news is that no one has asked me about my hair. The bad news is I also don't really have any close friends here. I just don't have a lot in common with most people, and I'm gone most weekends to visit my boyfriend in Dallas. But I am getting especially sad this year because even though I try and visit a lot, I feel like so much goes on back home that I'm missing out on, and then I come back here and everyone is talking about what they did on the weekends. It's like I can't really win...
I've also been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my law degree. One of my biggest 'life moments' was when I was an undergraduate and read about Sophie Scholl. She was part of an underground organization that opposed Nazis, and was arrested and executed for treason when she was only 21. She didn't even cry when she was going to be beheaded, and said that she didn't care that she was going to die if it meant that thousands of people would stand up to evil.
I try and think of Sophie sometimes when I get bogged down in feeling sorry for myself about trich. I don't have to face even a tenth of the challenges she had to, and I'm probably not a tenth as brave - and if she can go to the guillotine without flinching, who am I to let law school grades or a bald spot get me down? Everyone only gets one shot at living, and I want to give it the best I've got. So if I get rid of this trich, fine. I want to. But if I have to choose between giving something great back to humanity or being 'normal,' then maybe normal isn't what I should be shooting for...
P.S. I consider helping people feel better about their trich as something great... so I hope this helps at least one other person!!! Love you guys. :)
I feel like I'm a lot more contemplative lately, and even though the pulling isn't getting better, I'm hoping that I can fix my brain, first, and then start in on the pulling.
The one thing I DO know is that I can stop. I've done it before, even though it was only for a few months. But what a great few months! The times when its' good/stopped are always when I'm happy, when I don't have stressors, when I'm around people. I am really, really a people person, which I think is part of what makes me having this disease so depressing - I feel like all I want to do is be close to people, but there's such a huge part of me that I want to hide/divides me from people when they find out. Even though people try to understand, and most do, sometime I can just tell that people think of me differently. I don't know that they think less of me, necessarily, but it's like I'm a schizophrenic or something who just isn't 'normal,' who they just can't relate to because I'm different on a fundamental level.
At any rate: my pulling is at its best when I'm taking care of myself, when I'm getting enough sleep, when I'm happy. And I think that's a big reason of why I pull so much at law school: I'm away from my friends, in a high-stress environment, and I'm under constant pressure to look perfect. (They even told us for interviews that we needed to make sure our hair and makeup looked nice, clean, and professional. Kind of hard when you don't have a lot of hair to clean... :-/)
The good news is that no one has asked me about my hair. The bad news is I also don't really have any close friends here. I just don't have a lot in common with most people, and I'm gone most weekends to visit my boyfriend in Dallas. But I am getting especially sad this year because even though I try and visit a lot, I feel like so much goes on back home that I'm missing out on, and then I come back here and everyone is talking about what they did on the weekends. It's like I can't really win...
I've also been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my law degree. One of my biggest 'life moments' was when I was an undergraduate and read about Sophie Scholl. She was part of an underground organization that opposed Nazis, and was arrested and executed for treason when she was only 21. She didn't even cry when she was going to be beheaded, and said that she didn't care that she was going to die if it meant that thousands of people would stand up to evil.
I try and think of Sophie sometimes when I get bogged down in feeling sorry for myself about trich. I don't have to face even a tenth of the challenges she had to, and I'm probably not a tenth as brave - and if she can go to the guillotine without flinching, who am I to let law school grades or a bald spot get me down? Everyone only gets one shot at living, and I want to give it the best I've got. So if I get rid of this trich, fine. I want to. But if I have to choose between giving something great back to humanity or being 'normal,' then maybe normal isn't what I should be shooting for...
P.S. I consider helping people feel better about their trich as something great... so I hope this helps at least one other person!!! Love you guys. :)
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