I'm frustrating myself....
Ok, so everything continues to go good, its been almost two weeks, we had another good uneventful weekend. There were a few times I felt H should have spat the dummy and started to get aggro but no. So whats up with that.
By the end of Sat I was an internal mess. I spent the day on tender hooks anticipating his outburst or his comments, looking for signs or any indications. Ugg I was analysing all my actions, what I said and did, what to do next, where I went wrong possibly because I was so sure that today was the day I was going to stuff up or something would happen.....
He cant continue to be nice, I'm thinking, these little things should be ticking him off, it should be builidng. But no, nothing, no tantys, no outbursts, he was...normal. If there is such a thing as being normal.
Sunday I took our daughter to a friend of mines for a play visit with her daughter. I rang H to say we were on the way home and he didn't answer the phone. That worried me, I thought 'oh no, I've done something to annoy him and he is ignoring the phone' and I dreaded getting home. He pulled in the driveway at the same time as me, he had gone down to my friends place (as a surprise) to see if we could call into mc'donalds for an ice cream treat on the way home, but he had just missed me.
Oh ok, didn't that make me feel bad that I hadn't seen him. But then I started thinking, what if he was following me to make sure I was there, and not at my parents. he has forbade me to have our daughter have anything with my parents based on his reasoning (ugg long story there but they have done nothing wrong but I think he feels threatened or is it all part of the control?). But if he was checking up on me, how would he know what time to get there because its a 20min drive and I'd been there for almost two hours. so it can't be that he was checking on me.
So I feel bad and say well lets go now, and he says no he's done enough driving. So I say we go later, but he has a headache. Which is fine by me because I do stress out when we are in public because he's not good around too many people, he's quite antisocial, suffers anxiety and panic attacks.
I'm beginning to wonder is it me now? And if its not me, the way I keep going, I'll have a meltdown. I try to be attentive, caring and nice on the outside and yet inside I'm analysing his actions, his comments, his facial expressions, body language to see if theres a clue as to when his niceness will end.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Thinking that if I can catch the change in him early on, then I can make amends to avoid it from getting worse, but thats what the books say dont they, you can't avoid these situations, they will happen and if its happened once or more previously, it will happen again.
By the end of Sat I was an internal mess. I spent the day on tender hooks anticipating his outburst or his comments, looking for signs or any indications. Ugg I was analysing all my actions, what I said and did, what to do next, where I went wrong possibly because I was so sure that today was the day I was going to stuff up or something would happen.....
He cant continue to be nice, I'm thinking, these little things should be ticking him off, it should be builidng. But no, nothing, no tantys, no outbursts, he was...normal. If there is such a thing as being normal.
Sunday I took our daughter to a friend of mines for a play visit with her daughter. I rang H to say we were on the way home and he didn't answer the phone. That worried me, I thought 'oh no, I've done something to annoy him and he is ignoring the phone' and I dreaded getting home. He pulled in the driveway at the same time as me, he had gone down to my friends place (as a surprise) to see if we could call into mc'donalds for an ice cream treat on the way home, but he had just missed me.
Oh ok, didn't that make me feel bad that I hadn't seen him. But then I started thinking, what if he was following me to make sure I was there, and not at my parents. he has forbade me to have our daughter have anything with my parents based on his reasoning (ugg long story there but they have done nothing wrong but I think he feels threatened or is it all part of the control?). But if he was checking up on me, how would he know what time to get there because its a 20min drive and I'd been there for almost two hours. so it can't be that he was checking on me.
So I feel bad and say well lets go now, and he says no he's done enough driving. So I say we go later, but he has a headache. Which is fine by me because I do stress out when we are in public because he's not good around too many people, he's quite antisocial, suffers anxiety and panic attacks.
I'm beginning to wonder is it me now? And if its not me, the way I keep going, I'll have a meltdown. I try to be attentive, caring and nice on the outside and yet inside I'm analysing his actions, his comments, his facial expressions, body language to see if theres a clue as to when his niceness will end.
Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Thinking that if I can catch the change in him early on, then I can make amends to avoid it from getting worse, but thats what the books say dont they, you can't avoid these situations, they will happen and if its happened once or more previously, it will happen again.
Replies