I'm Feeling Distraught...
...it's the day after the wedding; I'm wishing I didn't show up. Couldn't get comfortable, basically wanted out within an hour, left earlier than I should have (right after they cut the wedding cake)...the anxiety damage was just too much.
Today, I'm feeling the aftereffects. I've taken substantial damage, given all this anxiety that has basically knocked me out, in terms of where I should be in the summer course compared to where I am. I have a practice map ready for Tuesday's first quiz, the only thing I absolutely have to have ready for that class, but somehow...
...my brain can't go any farther today. It's still overwhelmed. There's a problem here: The visualization that I was taught should have been enough for any reasonable person to get through my sister's wedding. And one Summerwind81 basically stood on her head to help me figure out a way to make do on the summer course.
What do the two have in common? This: In the critical moment when my heart needs to trust it...it can't. This is so distressing; I'm apparently so used to seeing disaster strike that positive vibes are only penetrating briefly, and then they get cast into the fire by the voices in my head like an old piece of birch wood. Anybody with so much as a reasonable mindset ought to see that I get more than enough support, but I still seem to need a rock to lean on. :(
This is making me distraught; I seem to be on a streak where I can't do anything alone.
Today, I'm feeling the aftereffects. I've taken substantial damage, given all this anxiety that has basically knocked me out, in terms of where I should be in the summer course compared to where I am. I have a practice map ready for Tuesday's first quiz, the only thing I absolutely have to have ready for that class, but somehow...
...my brain can't go any farther today. It's still overwhelmed. There's a problem here: The visualization that I was taught should have been enough for any reasonable person to get through my sister's wedding. And one Summerwind81 basically stood on her head to help me figure out a way to make do on the summer course.
What do the two have in common? This: In the critical moment when my heart needs to trust it...it can't. This is so distressing; I'm apparently so used to seeing disaster strike that positive vibes are only penetrating briefly, and then they get cast into the fire by the voices in my head like an old piece of birch wood. Anybody with so much as a reasonable mindset ought to see that I get more than enough support, but I still seem to need a rock to lean on. :(
This is making me distraught; I seem to be on a streak where I can't do anything alone.
Replies
Aw damn, I wish I could make this better for you...and I did NOT stand on my head lol...but obviously there\'s issues with believing that you can do these things...I know you can, but you have to know it. Ever try acting like you can get it all done? Pretty much pretending? I\'ve used that to get through really hard days and usually it actually works :) just an idea, u know me lol...but I know you can do this stuff, I just wish you could see that too.
Hey Summer, when I talk about how my morale breaks, it\'s kinda like this. All it really takes is me to doubt myself for so much as one second, and the wheels fall off. It\'s like I\'m never sure of myself...my dad\'s a perfectionist, and to my detriment it has rubbed off on me. I want that to be gone, but as with the nightmares that kept me up the other night, it has this way of rearing its ugly head at times that are less than opportune. I KNOW this is where a lot of the self-doubt is coming from, but I just don\'t know how to tell myself to push through that with conviction.