i'm falling

hi to all my dear friendsi cannot believe i havent written for so long.  for one, there was so much talk and excitement about the get together holiday some of you were planning, that i almost felt that i wasnt really a PART  of things.  it left me feeling sort of alone. but i realise that what you were doing was a wonderful thing for those moms who can attend, and i am happy for you. living at the other end of the world is far in miles, but in our hearts we are closer to each other than we are to our own neighbours. also, sometimes i withdraw and believe the only way i'll get through this, honestly, is on my own. so i try to be very brave, and it works, and i achieve a lot. but those moments keep creeping back, when i just dont know how to live with this pain. it was jessy's birthday on 25 november, her second birthday not here.  she would have been 14.  i am finding the second year without jessy, deeply painful.  i am aching for her, and i simply cannot believe she is not here. how are you all doing, my special friends? how are you coping? with all my love, jan