I'm exhausted
I've been taking unperscribed drugs to help me focus lately. I know I probably shouldn't but I can't not take them. I spent last term studying my ass off spent so much time studying amd I was still unable to do well. I barely met the required GPA and I need to do better this term. So I started taking Adderall. At first I would just take one when I needed to pull an all nighter to study for an exam or finish a paper I wasn't able to do. But now woth finals coming up I've been taking them almost everyday the past week, sometimes twice a day if I feel like I need to accomplish more. The problem is once the Adderall wears off my body is so exhausted. I've been getting disy and i already havve trouble sleeping without all that stuff in my system so taking it makes everything is messed up. A part of me keeps hoping that with all that im doing to my body, the stress the drugs the no sleep barely eat... I keep hoping my body will crash. That my body will give up and I faint when im walking down the street or in class or hanging out with my friends something that would get me tested and someone finds out and tells my parents because I want them to know that im willing to do practically anything just not disappoint them by failing again or by delaying my graduation. Im taking 6 courses this term. I have never felt this much stress or pain before. I dont think my depression or cutting or anything ive felt before has felt like this. Its killing me. Im exhausted and tired physically and mentally and im doing drugs. Something I never thought I'd resort to. And worst of all I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that something bad happens to me... I dont have it in me to slow dow or tell my parents. I dont have it me to not keep taking a load I can barely handle just so I can graduate in a yr. I need to get this chapter of my life over with but at the same time I would love to slow down and take a breatj but I cant. I have 6 courses in the summer which means my summer break is 2 weeks. Then I have another 6 courses in the fall and another 5 next winter. So I have 12 months to go and I feel like the next 12 months are gonna be the same. But soooo unbelievably exhausted.
Replies
I\'m going to be honest....it sounds like you are playing with a loaded weapon. Please take a step back and look at the big picture. What\'s worse, taking more time to complete your schooling or digging yourself a bigger hole? You previously said that school is causing all of this stress, anxiety, and pain, so maybe you should look at taking some time off. No one will think ill of you if you do. No one is perfect and we all need to go at our own pace. If classes aren\'t working out, slow down. Taking uppers, etc. is not going to help matters, it will only make things worse in the long run. I know all too well about the stress of classes and the expectations to be \"perfect.\" The sooner you learn that perfection is unattainable and let go of what you cannot control, the sooner you will feel better and begin to heal. Please speak to your school counselor about what options you have. Please. Hugs.
I know I\'m playing with a loaded gun here, thing is I keep hoping it\'ll go off while aimed straight at me...
How would your family feel if that happened? I know first hand about wanting to commit suicide....I\'ve been in the dark place too many times. Things WILL get better if you try and push forward. If you want happiness, then work for it, get some help/support from a professional, and learn to live with your mistakes and forgive yourself. If you want things to change, then you have to be that positive change. Why are you trying so hard with college if you feel limited by your struggles and lack of effort at your own precious life? Please talk to someone. I\'m here for you and I say all of this because I\'ve been \"there\" and I care.