I'm drowning..

My depression has gotten bad again, and it is entirely my fault. After my first session with my therapist, I went out and bought a case of beer. The worst part is that my therapist suggested that I go to substance abuse counseling. I told her about how I used to drink a lot in my early 20’s, drinking bottles of rum and then going to the bar. We didn’t get into the details of what I went through during those dark times, but I did mention that I got myself into some trouble. I explained to her that those things changed once I quit smoking and got my life together. Now I don’t drink as much but when I do I drink a lot. My tolerance has definitely grown, and sometimes I like to drink alone. I guess for me it’s easier to drink alone and in my eyes it’s safer. I’ve had people who I trusted with my life take advantage of me when I was drunk, and I have almost been attacked on more than one occasion. So yeah, maybe that’s why I like to drink alone, even though I know it’s not particularly healthy. I knew what I was doing was wrong, and I was being a hypocrite by buying the beer, but I did it anyway. I promised myself that I would just drink, listen to music and go to sleep. That all changed within a couple of hours.

I contacted “A” because lately when there is alcohol involved that’s where I end up. He told me he was at the bar and had been in the bar all day. In my semi-drunken state, I felt kind of offended that he didn’t invite me or thought about me at all during the day. He then invited me to come hang out. I told him I’d shower and get ready. After I did that I got a text from him saying that he changed his mind, he was just going to go home and go to sleep. From what I remember, I lied and told him I was already walking, does he want me to just go home. I guess he felt bad so he told me to meet him at the bar anyways and we’d hang out at his place. I had one more beer left and like the idiot I have become, I brought the beer with me and walked to the bar. As I got to the block of the bar, I passed by a store and there was this man standing outside. He walked towards me and started talking to me. I don’t remember what was said, but he was definitely trying to hit on me. I believe I told him I was going to meet a friend and that is when he said “A’s” name. I remember feeling very confused as to why he knew who I was talking about. I don’t remember how the conversation ended but I texted “A” to tell him I was outside. He stumbles out and we start heading to his place. That is when the man showed up again and “A” told me that was his friend. All of a sudden this guy started walking with us back to the apartment. This is when everything started to get fuzzy for me.

I’m pretty sure this guy bought more beer because I remember sitting in the kitchen with them. This guy kept flirting with me, and it seemed like “A” didn’t really care. Then I remember sitting on the balcony with them. I must have tried to flirt with “A” and sit on his lap because I remember that we fell off of the chair onto the floor. The guy who was flirting with me all night suggested that I have a threesome with them. I don’t remember the entirety of the conversation, but I recall telling him that I wasn’t into that and just wanted to be with “A”. Again, the night is very fuzzy, but at some point “A” and I were in his room getting ready for bed and I do remember him saying that he just wanted to go to sleep. I must have gotten really aggressive and pulled him towards me to kiss him, because I recall us falling onto the floor or him falling onto me and we were on the floor. He got on top of me and started kissing me, and then I woke up in his bed with nothing but a tee shirt on. I don’t remember how we got from the floor to the bed, but I still felt really drunk. He threw my bra on top of my head and laughed. I was not amused. I got up and tried to locate my clothes. I found everything but my panties.

“A” went into the bathroom, and I sat on the couch sick to my stomach. I just didn’t feel right. Most of my bad feelings were thinking back to what I remembered from the night. I felt embarrassed that I had to convince him to hang out with me. He clearly didn’t think of me or was interested in hanging out with me. This creepy man just happened to be standing in front of the store as if he was waiting for me. Was that a set up? Then he buys beer and follows us back to the house as if that plan was already set in motion. I don’t remember him asking to come hang out. He was just waiting for us to walk back up the block. All these thoughts and memories came back and I got really upset. “A” comes walking out of the bathroom with my panties in his hand. He throws them at me and laughs. I look at them and they are ripped. I don’t understand how that happened and why my clothes would be in his room and my panties in the bathroom. I felt sick and threw them in the garbage. I went into the bathroom, and that is when I saw the little bag of cocaine with a key on top. I was floored. I left the bathroom, and “A” was still getting ready for work. I heard a loud “sniffing” noise and realize he was probably doing the coke. I walked up to him, told him I was leaving and bolted for the door. As I walked down the stairs, I realized how idiotic I was to come there.

I walked home with this ache in the pit of my stomach. Thoughts of confusion, rage and sadness consumed me as I stumbled home. There were parts of the night I remembered and parts that were fuzzy. I thought that maybe I got assaulted, but I have gotten raped before and I knew how my body felt. I felt normal. I had a knot on my head and my arm/neck hurt but everything else felt fine. Then I thought of the man who was insistent on sleeping with me. I imagined him walking into the room, seeing my panties on the floor and taking them. I felt disgusted because I just didn’t know what really happened. I have gotten drunk with “A” before. Why would my panties be in the bathroom? It just doesn’t make sense. I got home and the second I reached my bed I collapsed and started hysterically crying. I clutched my pillow and sobbed uncontrollably. My mom was awake, and I know she heard me crying, but she said and did nothing. She just got her stuff and left for work. I laid in bed and just cried. I was embarrassed and disgusted with myself. I did this. I made the choice whether I was drunk or not to go there when I said I wouldn’t, and in a sick way I feel like I got what I deserved.

He doesn’t care about me. He never did and he never will. I knew that before and yet I still pursued him. Now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. I chose to get drunk. I chose to leave my house and go to him. I chose to continue drinking although I felt extremely uncomfortable. I chose to do this, and now I have to deal with the aftermath. I slept over fourteen hours last night. I stood in bed all day sick to my stomach barely able to function. I had to force myself to eat and shower. I feel absolutely disgusted with myself, and the sad part is I am so depressed I feel like drinking again. I am terrified that things will get bad again.

I went through a really bad experience when I started going to the bars in my neighborhood. I was underage, but because I brought in a lot of customers the owners didn’t mind that I was there. I met a DJ who was a lot older than me, and I was absolutely smitten with him. I had gotten my heart broken around the time I met him, so I honestly was done with love and just wanted to have fun. I was spending a lot of time in the bars so I felt like an adult. This guy pursued me quickly. The second time I was there, he asked if my friend and her boyfriend wanted to go to After Hours at a different bar. We drunkenly accepted. Before I knew it we were in a dark booth, drinking shots and talking about life. He opened up to me about his wife, who was an Irish native who he married to keep her in the country. They were best friends but he wasn’t in love with her. He was going to divorce her until she told him she was pregnant. He was told by three doctors that he was unable to have kids so it was a shock to him. He said he still wants to divorce her, but he doesn’t want to upset her especially during the pregnancy. It seems idiotic to me now that I am older, but I truly appreciated his honesty. He was like an open book, and he made me feel like an adult the way he talked to me. He didn’t treat me like I was this young, naïve girl, and all these years later I realize that was exactly what I was, and he knew that. At one point, he leaned in and told me how beautiful and mature I was for my age. Then he kissed me. We kissed for a while, and then he suggested that we all get motel rooms for the night. I looked at my friend, and we mutually decided that we were okay with it. I had never done anything like that, but in my mind at the time this was what adults do. I had never been sexually active with someone I didn’t really know, let alone a man of his age, and it kind of made me feel good to know he wanted me in that way. So we jumped in the car and sped off into the night.

I remember walking into that room terrified. I sat on the bed, my hands shaking and a nervous feeling in my chest. He walked over to me and opened up a beer. He handed it to me and asked me if I was okay. I nodded. He told me not to be nervous and kissed me. Then we had sex. The next morning we awoke, went down the hall to wake up my friend and her boyfriend and they drove us back to my house. I remember that morning, sitting in front of my house with my friend and talking about the night before. I remember how adult I felt. It seems silly now, but he made me feel sexy. Now that I look back on that night I feel sleazy. He just wanted me for sex, but I guess in that moment I wanted him for that as well. After all I got my heart broken from someone I loved for a very long time, and I didn’t want to feel that love anymore. God, how I wish I didn’t do that. I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.

In the month to come, I spent every Saturday night drinking and sleeping with this man. We went to four different motels before he got tired of my friend and her boyfriend tagging along. The fifth Saturday night, he took me to After Hours alone. That was when everything changed. I remember sitting at the bar, and he wanted to see how many shots I could take in a row. They tasted like Swedish Fish. He lined about seven or eight shots and I took them all. About twenty minutes later he introduced me to this woman. I had seen her throughout the night glancing over at us. He told me that she thought I was really pretty and wanted to “join us” tonight. I looked at him in disbelief. After telling him that I wasn’t interested we left and spent the night together for the last time.

The next weekend I was at the bar, he acted as if he didn’t know me. At some point in the night, my friends and I were outside smoking, and I heard a giggle coming from inside the small hallway that leads to the bar. My friend opened the door to head to bathroom and that is when I saw him kissing a girl. My heart sank into my stomach. Later on, he introduced her as his girlfriend. I felt sick. Things for me changed after that night. He began to deny that he ever spent time with me. When I approached him about it, he told me that I was drunk and I wasn’t making sense. He tried to make it seem like I was this young girl who had an obsession with him and everyone believed him. I was no longer this girl who everyone liked. I was this crazy little girl with an alcohol problem.

After things went downhill I started drinking A LOT. I was obsessed with the idea of seducing him. I wanted to use him the way he used me. I wanted to prove that he couldn’t deny me, and I came up with all of these plans to get back at him. I even concocted this plan to seduce him, and while he was showering set up a camera to prove that he was sleeping with me. I started to absolutely lose my mind. I was this young, naïve girl who had the best intentions, and he made me feel like I was going crazy. Looking back now, I realize that he took advantage of a young girl. He knew what he was doing. He’d invite me out at the end of the night when I was extremely drunk, take me to another bar where he’d buy me shots, and then take me back to the motel where he did what he wanted. And in a sense, I can’t even blame him because I allowed him to do it. I thought that I was being an adult and making adult decisions, but I was just a girl. I should have known better…

In the years that followed I partook in a lot of risky behavior. I had no respect for myself and I became that girl that no one really wanted to get drunk with. I flew off the handle. I would drink a bottle of rum, go to the bar, drink more, and end up hysterically crying or causing problems. I hung out with one guy, an older man who I used to work with. He was gay and I was close to his family so I knew I could trust him. He was also an alcoholic so I knew I was able to drink the way I wanted and get away with a lot of the behavior I would exhibit. We would drink together about three times a week. There were times where my depression would get really bad so we would drink five times a week. Every time I drank we would cry. He’d put on an Annie Lennox CD, and we’d just sit there and cry. It became a joke between us, saying that we’d put on music and see who can make the other one cry first. We had such pain in our lives, and that pain would come out when we drank. I did that for a while.

It wasn’t until 2012 where I started to clean my act up. I quit smoking and went back to school. My life was heading in the right direction. I graduated with a 3.9 GPA and won a scholarship. I stopped hanging out with the people that pretty much enabled me. Things were really looking up. Then in the last year my depression got worse. All of sudden it was hard for me to function and I almost failed out of school. I lost my scholarship. I decided it was time to really see a psychiatrist and do whatever I needed to do in order to get my life back on track. I had tried so many different medications and nothing has seemed to really work. One of them was excellent but it affected my blood sugar so I had to stop them. Eventually I found something that really worked and things started to look up. My friend talked to his therapist and they helped get me into therapy. I had my first session, and afterwards is when everything happened with “A”. What I am afraid of is falling back down that rabbit hole that I worked so hard to climb out of. I am terrified that I will go back to the way things were.

I’m sitting here crying, thinking of all of these terrible things, the things I went through, the things I’ve done. I had one session with my therapist and I went straight to drinking. She wants me to do substance abuse therapy and I am going to do it. Maybe I do have a problem. I’ve convinced myself that I don’t have a problem because I don’t drink all the time. I used to but not anymore. But maybe I still do have a problem. I am reckless when I drink. I’ve done so much in my past and I have gone through such terrible things because I allowed myself to get that drunk. I put a target on my back every single time, and although I have been through horrendous things, it could have been worse. I have almost lost my life and yet I still continued to drink. Maybe I will continue and eventually end up back in that situation. Maybe the next time will be the last time, and I won’t be alive to make the decision to stop.

I have a lot to think about and consider. I know what I am doing is wrong, and I need to fix this mess I created. I know therapy will really help, and I need to find healthier outlets as opposed to drinking. I need to stop telling myself that what I’m doing is okay because I’m not doing it all the time. I push the limit every single time I drink, and now I am surrounding myself around people that do the same. I know what I need to do, I just have to do it. I can’t let my depression get the best of me anymore. I have to learn how to live without alcohol. Maybe I will lose the few friends I have left, but maybe I will finally get my life back…