I'm back and I'm Struggling.
Hi everyone, after a year of not being on here, I thought I was good to go. Turns out I was right, at least, for a little while.
As of lately, since June actually, I have been having ups and downs with my panic and anxiety. Especially these past few days I've been really struggling with it to the point that it's making me physically sick. Nausea, trembling, constant fear, etc.
But what really broke me down and made me jump back on here again was today. Today I was supposed to go into work, but nearing the time it was that I had to go in, I grew this insane amount of panic to where I was having feelings of impending doom, going through every single "what if's" in the book, and I just felt frozen on the spot at my kitchen table. I knew work needed me, but I was in a state of panic so bad that there was no way that I could go in. With my beloved boyfriend of almost a year now sitting next to me, he knew that I couldn't go in either. He said I looked pale as a ghost (I'm naturally very pale so this is pretty gosh darn white lol) and with the way I was acting, he wouldn't have felt comfortable with me trying to make it through the day. He had called into work for me because I was speechless; I didn't know what to tell my boss. He wouldn't understand. He would just get mad at me.
Then that's when I broke down. I started bawling. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to go to work so I can earn money because I had missed so many days recently because of this, and I don't want to lose my job. I hate living in fear, worry, and dread of panic and anxiety, because it's holding me back from way too much. I feel like everyone is moving forward around me and I'm stuck in place. I can't just sit by and let this control me any more.
So here I sit waiting for my psychiatrist and insurance company to give me either referrals or call backs for different options on what I can do.
I don't want to live in fear anymore.
As of lately, since June actually, I have been having ups and downs with my panic and anxiety. Especially these past few days I've been really struggling with it to the point that it's making me physically sick. Nausea, trembling, constant fear, etc.
But what really broke me down and made me jump back on here again was today. Today I was supposed to go into work, but nearing the time it was that I had to go in, I grew this insane amount of panic to where I was having feelings of impending doom, going through every single "what if's" in the book, and I just felt frozen on the spot at my kitchen table. I knew work needed me, but I was in a state of panic so bad that there was no way that I could go in. With my beloved boyfriend of almost a year now sitting next to me, he knew that I couldn't go in either. He said I looked pale as a ghost (I'm naturally very pale so this is pretty gosh darn white lol) and with the way I was acting, he wouldn't have felt comfortable with me trying to make it through the day. He had called into work for me because I was speechless; I didn't know what to tell my boss. He wouldn't understand. He would just get mad at me.
Then that's when I broke down. I started bawling. I wanted to be normal. I wanted to go to work so I can earn money because I had missed so many days recently because of this, and I don't want to lose my job. I hate living in fear, worry, and dread of panic and anxiety, because it's holding me back from way too much. I feel like everyone is moving forward around me and I'm stuck in place. I can't just sit by and let this control me any more.
So here I sit waiting for my psychiatrist and insurance company to give me either referrals or call backs for different options on what I can do.
I don't want to live in fear anymore.
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