I'm back...

After a 3 month break I'm back. I guess I started to feel better but I've dipped. The Mirtazapine was working, I went on holiday end of march and forgot to take it with me. Came back and I noticed I'd dropped a few pounds, I wasn't as hungry anymore and I didn't feel so tired all the time. I felt fine for the first few weeks, but now I've reached an all time low.

I really don't have anybody to talk to; my CBT therapist advised me to speak to someone I'm close with. But who? I am the black sheep of the family as my sister got treated so much better than I did and mine and my mom's relationship is next to none. My dad's never wanted to know despite being married to my mom for nearly 30 years and I'm convinced my partner hates me as he's always so miserable when he's around me and we had a tremendous fall out the other day.

It got heated and he called me a few names which, to be honest weren't nice. He knocked me with his leg and then grabbed me when I was holding our daughter, then told me several times he hated my guts. He thinks I'm too controlling; to be honest I didn't think I was on that occasion. I muted the tv whilst he was in the downstairs toilet and shouted him to tell him that this tv programme was on, he didn't answer. When he came out I said how could you not hear me. He took that as me being controlling and said he can't even go to the toilet anymore without being accused of cheating; which I never did. I hate how I always annoy him.

I'm virtually attached to him some days as when I'm having a bad day, I just want to be hugged. I think it's a sensory thing, as long drives with loud music also help calm me and then 10 minutes afterwards the mood is back. I also find myself rocking when I'm upset and I even put my arms around myself to make it feel like someone cares. The past week suicide has none stop been on my mind, it hasn't even cropped up since February which I'm so disappointed with as I was doing so well. I would do anything for anyone to like me, rather than keep shouting at me. Just one person, that would make all the difference. I'm too cowardly to do it anyway.

I even lied to my best friends who I've known since primary school saying I couldn't come out to brunch, I was too depressed to go as well as I couldn't find any cash to go with. I found out last year my best friends have their own group chat which I'm diliberately missed out on, I've been excluded from nights out with them and only found out as one of the girls I'm quite close to let it slip. I just want them all out my life. I've had enough, I can feel me pushing people away. I've had enough of trying to be nice to everyone, bending over backwards to make their lives easier yet all I do is get spoken to like sh*t by everyone, even my own son and bitched about (lets face it, why else would you have a seperate whatsapp group??)

I can't carry on being this lonely. I can't even be myself as I don't know who that is.