I\'m about to give up hope.
I just don't know what to do. I don't understand how I'm feeling. I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. I really just want to hide. I'm so lonely, I feel like I'm going to go crazy. I have found it harder and harder to get out, though. My anxiety about going out seems to have gotten worse. My friend from Russia is supposed to come near the end of March. I'm so scared. I'm too unstable. I'm crazy. He won't like me. I'm afraid I'll have PA's, and I won't be able to show him around and show him a good time. I guess that I'll always be alone. I neededn't ever pray again for a husband. I'm just not meant to have one. My checking account is messed up. I can't figure it out. I don't know why my balance is so low, way lower than what I have figured up in my checkbook. I don't even know if I can pay all of my bills this month. You know, my whole life has been a waste. I do nothing. I accomplish nothing. I am nothing. I really hate myself. I've prayed. I've asked The Lord what my purpose is, if He's really listening to me, if He's really here for me. I don't know anymore. I've considered moving to Savannah to be near my sister. I'll still wind up lonely. Mentally ill. I hate the word. Why have I had to suffer with fear for so long? It's taken my life from me. I feel like I would rather have cancer than to have anxiety. And, the OCD! It's so horrible, like being trapped inside my own body, unable to stop the scary, bad thoughts from coming through my head, and all the OCD movements I do to counteract them. I've hated what my life has been. I just don't understand why my life had to be this way. I don't know how to fix it. I've prayed for The Lord to heal me, to show me what to do to help myself, and for the strength to do the things I need to do to help myself. I get no answers. I've been here before, so many times before. I'm a failure. I'm a disappointment to myself, The Lord, and my family. I've almost given up hope.