I lost my everything...

About a month and a half ago my whole world got flipped upside down. I lost my boyfriend in a car accident where I was the driver. He came in to town to go with me to a wedding the next day. That night we went to visit his best friend who had flew into a city closeby for the weekend. We both talked about how long of a week we had and how tired we were however my boyfriend really wanted to see his best friend so me, my boyfriend and roommate went to see him. After we met up with him had dinner and decided to head back home a few hours later, my boyfriend and roommate fell asleep in the car and I was faced with the rest of the drive alone. I thought I had it under control because this was a drive I did pretty frequently however this time was very different. I felt fine when I started heading home however, once I got closer to home, it got a little more difficult to focus. I was about 10 minutes from home when I veered off the side of the highway into the terrain area which was what woke me up. I was able to get the car back on the shoulder where I gathered my thoughts and realized what had happened. The system in my car notified authorities and ems and I immediately got out the car, pulled both my roommate and my boyfriend out and away from the car as we awaited the ambulance and police. Both were in a state of shock and in some pain however the ambulances came and took them to the nearest hospital which happened to be named one of the best. I spoke to the police and explained what I remember happening. My boyfriend and I are both in medicine and work long hours which I explained to the police. After recording my statement, my best friend picked me up and we went to the hospital to see my boyfriend and best friend. Upon arrival, I was able to almost immediately see my roommate who was in a lot of pain but preparing for surgery due to abdominal injuries from the seatbelt. I remember asking the nurse about my boyfriend and she hesitated and told me she would have the doctor come talk to me which I already knew was not a good sign. About 5 minutes after, the doctor came and sat with me and explained that my boyfriend had suffered abdominal injuries as well and was bleeding alot and had to be taken to the OR.. he was in critical condition. My heart sunk.. I could barely stand up. A couple hours later they allowed me to go see him in the ICU where he was intubated on a ventilator (machine breathing for him). They told me he was bleeding alot and they weren't able to find the source of the bleeding the first time around. He was taken to and from the OR 2 more times before he acutely decompensated and care had to be escalated. I went to the ER to get checked out when this all happened, I wish I stayed by his side. I texted his mother to check on his progress and her response was "it's not good.. I think you should come". Upon arrival, she told me there was a change in his neurological status and when they did a scan of his brain.. there was blood everywhere and he would be neurologically devastated. I immediately fell to the floor in tears.. I could not believe this. His parents made the decision to withdraw support because the doctors said he would be in a vegetative state. My heart hurt.. I never would have imagined that within 24 hours, my boyfriend would be gone from my life. They withdrew support and he passed away shortly after... I cried consistently for a week.. couldnt move off the couch, eat, sleep.. I couldn't imagine living without him. The next week I had to face my fear for the funeral which I am ever so grateful to my friends who were there for me during this time and made sure I always had someone around to comfort me.. even if it was to sit there while I cried. The amount of hurt, pain, guilt that I felt.. Im not able to put into words. Thinking about the pain his parents, siblings, close friends & family were feeling tears me up even more inside. It has been a little over a month and the pain feels worse. I have started therapy and have tried to work on compartmentalizing my emotions but sometimes I randomly break down in tears. I havent been eating much.. I hate sleeping because everytime I wake up, I have to relive the fact that he is gone. 

I hate the position Im in with this whole situation. I hate the fact that I will always be known as "the driver". My boyfriend was very well known and he had such an impact on so many lives, its so hard to see all the posts and tributes and videos being shared on social media. To complicate the story, we were in love and had plans to get married once he was finished his medical training but we were very private on our social media accounts. My family had stopped talking to me a few years prior when I came out to them with my ex boyfriend. His family knew about his orientation however they were very religious so it kinda was just not talked about. I made a post expressing how much I missed him and I could never imagine life without him and got very hateful messages from random people trying to preserve his "image" and how he never posted about me therefore im pretty much irrelevant. I have always hated being gay and struggled with being comfortable with who I was and this situation made it so much worse. I deleted my social media account and was told to not publicly express my feelings for him via social media. 

He was my heart, my world, my entire purpose for being alive. We had all these plans to move, get married soon, start a family and just take on the journey of life together. Given my family situation, my boyfriend was my rock, my motivator, and my support system. A few months before this incident, my dad got in a car accident and was hospitalized requiring a hip replacement. My boyfriend was by my side throughout all this. He made sure I was good especially knowing how important my father was to my life because when I was 12 I lost my mother to cancer. He was the best thing to ever happen to me and I don't know how to get through my days without him. I miss him so much and life seems so purposeless without him in it. I reread our messages all the time and realize how truly in love we both were and it just hurts to feel irrelevant just because we didnt post each other all over social media, to feel guilty for being the driver and to have to imagine continuing life without him. I have never in my life experienced this much pain, hurt, guilt and I dont know what to do to escape these feelings. My heart hurts, it feels like a knife is stuck in it and I just cant fathom living life without him feeling like this forever.