I'LL NEVER GET USED TO IGNORANCE!
9-2-09: One would think, after over two years of people saying stupid things, I would be used to it. Not so much! Today a co-worker, who I get along with well, blew me away with her comment. And, she was so sure she "knew/understood", I finally just said, "We will just have to agree to disagree on this one." About four years ago there was a woman who worked at the same school as I do. Her young son, (six or seven years old), had a horrible accident at home. He was her only child. I met this woman at my first Compassionate Friend's meeting. She was only into her grief journey for about two years, at that point. Anyway, my co-worker asked me if I had seen her. I told her I hadn't since the balloon release ceremony in June. My co-worker then started talkiing about how her guilt must be worse than most because she (the mom) was in her living room when her son passed away in his bedroom. I said, "I was in my pool when my son died." She said, "But your son was an adult." (Like that matters...I was in my pool while my son was inside dying.) When I told her guilt is guilt and it doesn't matter what the child's age was, she got very adamant that that "mom" had to feel it worse. I told her she didn't understand. She said, "Oh, yes I do!" (She has no children) After a bit of back and forth dialogue I saw there was no convincing her. It was like she was criticizing this woman, in a passive way, for something else. It really did upset me. I think guilt is relative. My heart is heavy with my guilt of being in the pool when Scott died. Hers, I am sure, is heavy with being in another room. So many of us have guilt. Justified or not, many of us have it. To say one person's guilt is worse or bigger than another is, in my opinion, ludicrous! That is like saying one mom loved her child more than another. Guilt is what it is.....a very heavy heart and soul. And for someone who hasn't, thank God, travelled this road, how dare they even think they understand any of it! Okay, maybe I am bit sensitive on this subject. And maybe from another perspective it doesn't seem like a big deal. But from where I sit, it is a very big deal. Bottom line is, to me, whether we truly have something to feel guilty about, or not, our children are dead. There is nothing any worse than that. And whether or not we might wonder about circumstances, it doesn't matter. Our children are dead. That is why we are on on-line support groups. That is why we attend other support meetings. We offer support and compassion. We are not here to offer criticism or judgement. Seems to me the whole world needs to join our support groups! Maybe they would all get a clue. Okay, now that I have had my turn on the soap box, I will say I am just plain pooped! I got so out of routine over the summer. It is hard to get to bed on time and even harder to get up! Maybe by the end of September.....
Replies
Oh Ginger, I\'m sorry that someone you get along with has upset you in this way. You are right, she doesn\'t understand, she CAN\'T understand and since she doesn\'t even have any children, she will never understand (thank God). It astounds me how people make comparisons like it would be worse to lose a child suddenly than to an illness or the other way around or it would be worse to lose an older child than a baby etc. In the end, it boils down to our children are our children no matter what age and stage and as you say, so many of us carry guilt for feeling we somehow let our kids down. It seems everyone has an opinion until they go through it. I probably did too, I honestly don\'t remember! Who I am today is shaped by what I\'ve been through, same with you and everyone else. Let\'s hope that people don\'t have to understand the way we do and that we can be less sensitive to the silly things they say. I know I get upset over things like that too, but hopefully you\'ve given her some food for thought and you\'ll get past it so you can keep on working with her without thinking she\'s a mad woman!!! lol Lots of love to you my friends, Charlotte. xo
People have no clue. You have to live this one to get this one. She has made a judgement with too little information and that just makes her ignorant. We know that each mom here has a different story. That their child died in at least a slightly different way or with different circumstances...but we also know...that ultimately we all feel the ultimate sorrow. I would hope that after this person thought about her statement...she would realize that she really DOES NOT know...and apologize for her insensitivity. Love to you...Karen
It IS a big deal!!!! Damn it (sorry!) Why in the world do some people have to be so insensitive?? It almost makes you wish they could walk just one day in our shoes to see how it feels. I\'m so sorry, Hon!
My son died in my home by his own hand while I was away for a few days, enjoying myself. Talk about guilt, and yes! he was an adult. Please try to overlook this person\'s stupidity and cling to those of us who know what it is like! Tight hugs, Hon! Judy
I know of what you speak. I was in Ohio when my son overdosed on drugs in Florida. Why didn\'t I know, and save him? Fact is I knew it was possible, he didn\'t call me that day, he had no cell phone so I could not reach him. But as you say, we have to accept that this is what happened, and we would never ever have purposely allowed these events. Grief burdened with guilt is unbearable, and no one deserves these judgements of measure or culpability based on an ignorant persons\' ignorant assessment. But it is upsetting.
Recently an 84 year old neighbor asked me how my son died, I told her from a drug overdose, she shrilled back, \"Oh just like Michael Jackson!\" Given her age and the fact that prior to that I got an update on her hemorrhoids and spastic colon, I let it go. But the insensitivity stung.
Keep the faith......hope and hugs, Rebecca
same thing with me. I also found my sons body and my own MOTHER said \"if only you would have kept him at your house that night\"
there are a lot of ignorant people..I have no need to know any of them. and yes, I blow UP at them and write them off. Im not understanding anymore.
What an insensitive \"B\" How can she sit there and even have the nerve to push the issue knowing you lost a child. Write her off as an idiot. Thats how she behaved.
Why would she even try to argue about something she could never possibly understand. People just don\'t get it. I\'m sorry you had to encounter this and maybe she will come to her senses and realize how bad her judgement really was. Hugs, Kim
Thankfully, I\'ve never had to deal with many insensitive people. I do know before my son died, I was probably a bit more critical and less compassionate in my thoughts, certainly not my actions than I am now. It really takes walking in someones shoes before you can open your mouth. Unless you have, then you insert your foot. I\'m sorry, but I think you handled it very well. Love to you. Robin
Wow. What can I add that the others haven\'t already said. A very insensitive woman indeed. I agree, you handled it well and that\'s all you can do. Try not to dwell on it. There\'s not much you can do about ignorance. I\'m just sorry you had to deal with it at all. Big hugs, Julia
I don\'t pay any attention to those who have never lost a child! Among the most stupid things I have been told is \"I know it is not the same, but I did lose my cat that I had since childhood\". Even my own mother asked me if I would really like to have my son back \"the way he was\". I don\'t bother with these people. I will say that I have lost a child at 10 weeks gestation due to a tubal pregnancy and that loss pales in comparison to the loss of my 33 year old son, but I would still not hesitate to be sensitive to another\'s loss. I would not let this woman bother you at all! She has no clue what she is talking about and you cannot expect her to. Hugs, Belinda
wow I just read this. I don\'t know how you contained yourself! It\'s amazing how ignorant people can be. I was asleep when my son died. In the same room, but asleep. I had no idea that he was mortally ill because of the ignorance of the doctor he saw that morning. He had a perforated ulcer but was treated for back pain because of his visible scoliosis. Horrid. He\'d seen this dr.\'s group twice before for pain on his side towards his back.
My own brother said that I \"needed to confront my own guilt.\" Can you imagine? But my brother is cruel, especially to me. Since my mom\'s death, I have tried to patch things up with him because this was her wish. It\'s impossible now.
One really has to wonder about people.
Susannah
I hope we can be friends.