I'LL NEVER GET USED TO IGNORANCE!

9-2-09:  One would think, after over two years of people saying stupid things, I would be used to it.  Not so much! Today a co-worker, who I get along with well, blew me away with her comment.  And, she was so sure she "knew/understood", I finally just said, "We will just have to agree to disagree on this one." About four years ago there was a woman who worked at the same school as I do.  Her young son, (six or seven years old), had a horrible accident at home.  He was her only child.  I met this woman at my first Compassionate Friend's meeting.  She was only into her grief journey for about two years, at that point.  Anyway, my co-worker asked me if I had seen her.  I told her I hadn't since the balloon release ceremony in June.  My co-worker then started talkiing about how her guilt must be worse than most because she (the mom) was in her living room when her son passed away in his bedroom.  I said, "I was in my pool when my son died."  She said, "But your son was an adult."  (Like that matters...I was in my pool while my son was inside dying.)  When I told her guilt is guilt and it doesn't matter what the child's age was, she got very adamant that that "mom" had to feel it worse. I told her she didn't understand.  She said, "Oh, yes I do!"  (She has no children)  After a bit of back and forth dialogue I saw there was no convincing her.  It was like she was criticizing this woman, in a passive way, for something else.  It really did upset me. I think guilt is relative.  My heart is heavy with my guilt of being in the pool when Scott died.  Hers, I am sure, is heavy with being in another room.  So many of us have guilt.  Justified or not, many of us have it.  To say one person's guilt is worse or bigger than another is, in my opinion, ludicrous! That is like saying one mom loved her child more than another.  Guilt is what it is.....a very heavy heart and soul.  And for someone who hasn't, thank God, travelled this road, how dare they even think they understand any of it!   Okay, maybe I am bit sensitive on this subject.  And maybe from another perspective it doesn't seem like a big deal.  But from where I sit, it is a very big deal.  Bottom line is, to me, whether we truly have something to feel guilty about, or not, our children are dead.  There is nothing any worse than that.  And whether or not we might wonder about circumstances, it doesn't matter.  Our children are dead.  That is why we are on on-line support groups. That is why we attend other support meetings.  We offer support and compassion.  We are not here to offer criticism or judgement.  Seems to me the whole world needs to join our support groups!  Maybe they would all get a clue. Okay, now that I have had my turn on the soap box, I will say I am just plain pooped!  I got so out of routine over the summer.  It is hard to get to bed on time and even harder to get up!  Maybe by the end of September.....