I live to die.

I am so tired . I am tired with life. What if I was gone? what would I miss? When looking at Buddhism the though of reincarnation is to live your current life as best as possible in order to become reincarnated with a life at a high level. When researching suicide and Buddhism I have found that this religion believes that if one terminates his own life it means that his own life was so intolerable and painful. I suppose I am wring this in order to justify killing myself. I am desperate at this point, what can I do to change all of this? I'll fell good for sometime and then this deep depression will set in. It is so painful both physically and emotionally, I don't think people understand this. I can't sleep, I am either always hungry or not hungry at all, my back hurts with aches and shooting pains and I have headaches that last for days. My mind can't help but to think "I'll take a pill now, then an hour later I'll take three more pills and then in a half hour I'll take two more pills and then I will just get to the point where I know that if I take anymore pills I'll fall asleep and may not wakeup, and if I do I'll feel like a lush, like I still don't want to live I feel like death, as if nothing in world matters. I ask myself in the morning why am I going to school, what am I going to do with my life? Why can't I simply be happy? What am I doing in school today? Is there anything meaningful in class today? I should skip it... just not go. I want to talk to someone who can understand what I am talking about because I seem great on the outside and I tell people that I am great and I am doing much better, but I am not, I am scared and afraid everyday... I am scared of the day of the people and the school. I am afraid of bed time because it takes me hours to fall asleep. Every weekend I feel anxious because I feel that I should be constantly doing school work instead of siting and completely zoning out and trying not to think about my unfortunate being. I'm so sad. I try to have friends, I lose them, they don't want to be around me, they don't want anything to do with me, so I am always lonely always sad. I feel lost and ashamed, what did I do? or what am I doing wrong? Will anyone understand how much pain I am in? I hate this. I am going to google suicide methods. It's just scary.