I know this might seem kind of maudlin but...

I went to bed last night, and I layed awake waiting for sleep to come.

I felt that familiar old sense of self - that sense of my life and all it's

abilities and disabilities. I don't know how to describe it - both a sense

of knowing the awesome wonder of life - but also the sense of my own status.

I truly felt like I was at the end of my rope last night. That life

had finally caught up to me and that I am living my last days.

The willowy thin sense of self that I have at times- and my ability to

survive that sportive and rough and tumble, fighting sense of life just

finally had me 'give in.' My will bent...I don't know about other guys - but I have had

a picture of my life in my head about myself - like I am some French soldier

in a North African outpost. The last soldier left - at the ready - living day in 

and day out on guard. Until finally with this willowy sense of self that I am having

that just some day - if sooner or later - I'll just fade away. My therapist and I 

have talked about death - and she wonderfully said "Yeah that's going to be a bitch!" lol

I loved it - good humor - just in the knick of time. :)