I keep thinking about it.
I keep thinking about dying. I don't see any other way out of the spiral I am in. I am angry with myself for being so afraid of doing it. I am thinking that hanging might be the way to go. No one knows how much things hurt right now. How I am so tired of going around and around. The same fucking thing day after day. I'm so fat it hurts to walk yet i can't stop eating.
It has to end and I can't stop it. I feel so powerless. I don't give a fuck about those I leave behind. They will move on and get over it. It is selfish of them to insist I put up with more pain and humiliation to keep them from grief.
From what I have read I would lose consciousness in just a couple of minutes. That's not bad.
If there was any guarantee that I have the ability to turn things around then I would choose life. I don't mean just the ability...I know we all have ability but I need to know things will change. I can't do this much longer. Every day I wake up and say it is a new day. i will do better today. I always fail. No....waking up every day is not a fucking success. Right now it is a symbol of my stupidity and pathetic nature. I look like a fool.
It has to end and I can't stop it. I feel so powerless. I don't give a fuck about those I leave behind. They will move on and get over it. It is selfish of them to insist I put up with more pain and humiliation to keep them from grief.
From what I have read I would lose consciousness in just a couple of minutes. That's not bad.
If there was any guarantee that I have the ability to turn things around then I would choose life. I don't mean just the ability...I know we all have ability but I need to know things will change. I can't do this much longer. Every day I wake up and say it is a new day. i will do better today. I always fail. No....waking up every day is not a fucking success. Right now it is a symbol of my stupidity and pathetic nature. I look like a fool.
Replies
awww sorry I missed this one and nobody has replied yet. Wanting to die hurts doesn\'t it. I have been there many times yet haven\'t had the guts to do it. Yet. Step by step my friend, hang in there.
Cecil,
I read your post yesterday and had to sleep on it before replying.
You\'re right when you say \"No one knows how much things hurt right now.\" We can\'t possibly know. What we do know, however, is that there is a way through the pain.
Yes, I said THROUGH the pain. Not around, or under, or over, but through. And the way through depends on the things you are doing to heal yourself.
The first thing you need to do to stabilize yourself is to call the suicide hotline if you are serious about killing yourself. (1800 784 2433)
I hope you\'re not serious because I hear more rage than a loss of will to live and rage can be dealt with, but, if you are successful there is no returning you from the dead.
Then to help yourself further take a look at your support system. Do you have one? It doesn\'t have to be huge...your therapist, best friend, someone in a 12-Step self-help group for survivors, etc.
Although we are the only ones who can do the work, we cannot do it alone. We need the help of people whose eyes we can look into. Certainly, on-line help is much better than nothing, but it cannot replace face to face interactions. I can send you a thousand cyber hugs, but one hug from a sincere, warm person can heal.
Now, write down your coping skills. What are they? If you don\'t think you have any get on the internet and google, coping skills for life, coping skills for anger, coping skills for depression, etc.
Every day is, in fact, a new day. But if you find yourself making the same choices then know you are courting failure. Your life will only change once you decide to change it. Is it easy? Hell, no. And that\'s part of the hard part, knowing that no one can change it but you.
And to answer your question, \"Is isolation bad?\" I say, \"Yes!\" Isolation is part of a downward spiral. Spend time with people you enjoy.
Finally, Cecil, start training yourself to step away from your negative thoughts and behaviors. That is, in your head imagine there is a non-judgmental observer who simply watches the things you think, tell yourself, and how you behave.
Your observer does not judge you, but just watches--with deep love. Training yourself to step back and observe takes practice. When I am teaching myself new ways to be I leave reminder notes all over my house, in my car, and in my purse.
I became aware of my self-talk thru many notes that all said, \"What am I thinking?\" I will do the same type of practice for any internal awareness I need to develop in pursuit of my healing. That practice is also available to you.
I cannot offer anyone positive guarantees, but I CAN guarantee you that nothing will change until YOU decide to change it...one day at a time.
xx
P.S.
Learning to observe yourself helps you get in touch with your real Self, not the self sexual abuse created. You can do this.