I keep talking - just had a great meal

I've been thinking about the mix of happiness, aggression, anxiety, ambivalence

I've had inside about what I've been doing here at the monastery.

I've decided to accept it all and choose happy part as my main focus to clear away

the ambivalence and misgivings for having these complex making feelings.

I've been realizing what I've been obsessing on (these writings and communications) and

I realized too that I need to find new outlets - new modalities

for this drive within me. I've heard others talk about how what drives them changes over time

and I also thought about finding new ways to find satisfaction.

I wondered then what is 'this drive' - I realized

we all have appetites - we all, for lack of a better way of saying it,

like to 'get off' - and that comes in a variety of modalities. I've also

heard it called "What you're into" as well as the more reasonable "What is your practice?"

I feel good - I just had a wonderful meal - so satisfying - a little bit of a splurge

but absolutely great! I've gotta get down to the refrectory soon for meal prep -

I also just texted my aunt - who has such a lust for life - it's super - and infectious

but she has a handle for pragmatics too. I think her talents lies in knowing how

to have fun - do what is satisfying - but also has a fierce pragmatism to make that fun practicable. At the restaurant I stopped

at - I watched a football game - and just loved that appetite for sport and fun - I love that about America!

The appetite unleashed!

it kind of ruins it, these feelings inside, to write about it - but I thought it's probably important for me to

write about it here. I don't know if I am going to write so much anymore - I really want

to find some other way of engaging my mind and creativity. You guys are my homebase though.

I feel a loyalty and allegiance!

I just want to get away from all these mentalizations - which are probably a consequence

of me not getting much satisfaction from my life - and not knowing that satisfaction and the lack of 

it has been an issue. I've been blind to them.

Writing things can ruin it - but I felt the need to round out today's entries

with what came to mind today. Sending love and light! Mark

Things are good - keep on keeping on....and yahoo!!