I just want it to stop
Last Friday was GREAT- no morning fight, high energy, happiness! Saturday was ok, Sunday was not so good, Monday was AWFUL (although no panic attacks, thank Goddess), yesterday was not as bad, but still not ok, and today....
I don't EXPECT feeling zippety-do-dah every day! But to have days and days of waking up and feeling...well, maybe not BAD, but still feeling Not Good...it wears one down. Yes, yes, it does beat waking up and knowing right away that the day is going to end up like Monday was (or worse), but almost EVERY morning, fighting sadness, the anxiousness, worrying about how the day is going to be...well, it gets effing OLD! And it also destroys ones spirit.
In this life, in my position as wife, mother, homemaker, I need to have a certain level of reliability. Grocery shopping needs to be done, laundry is never-ending, and just like my husband hates his job, but still gets up and puts on his uniform and goes to work, my job is to make sure he and our child have decent meals to eat, and clean dishes and clothes. And because there is absolutely No One, no family member whom I can call and say "Hey, I need some help", when I'm menopausal, whether or not it's my fault, is hard on everyone.
Yes, we can order pizza in, or take something from the freezer and throw it into the oven, but it's not as if I have a cold. The menopausal bouts....they're like having your heart ripped out. The emotional pain on top of the physical is just...I can't describe it...so debilitating. Monday I got so overwhelmed by the misery I was going through that I couldn't think, couldn't perceive a Future...couldn't fathom that there would be an evening to that day, that there would be a tomorrow. What was planned for dinner didn't matter. In fact, nothing mattered, because the misery of the Present was so overwhelming that it filled every room in my mind. I sat in the yard and watched my DH do his gardening. In between sobbing fits, he kept trying to distract me by telling me what he was planning to plant where, and oh look, that whatever-it-is is blooming now, and all I could think of was that I DIDN'T CARE!
Another problem with menopause is that because you're filled with depression, all you can think about is the bad parts of your life, past and present. My husband keeps telling me to concentrate on the Good Things in my life, and I tell him how that's impossible because the chemical reactions in my brain are triggering only the Negative. Menopause grabs you by the hair, drags you over to the cesspools of the Bad Parts of your life and rubs your face in them; here's your bad relationship with your father, here's the fact that your mom is dead, here's the problem you and your husband are having with your sex life, here's the artwork that you never work on, etc. etc. ..Oh, and I'm going to remove all your Energy and Optimism and Good Spirits so you cannot deal with or fix any of these things!
It's impossible to emerge from a Bout without scars. Tuesday was not as bad as Monday was, but there was still a lot of residual sadness, which I fell into in the morning, but was able to climb out of later.
I know that one of my underlying problems is that I am very, very lonely. As I said, I have no family members around at all, and none of my neighbors are Close Friend material. I belong to 2 Meetup groups; one meets twice a month and another I host once a month. When I go to these meetings, I always have a really good time. I'm trying to nurture relationships in the first group, but close friendships take a while to grow, and because I am so emotionally needy, I have to be really careful; nothing is more repelling than Desperation.
I miss having a job. I'd take a part-time one now, not just for the extra money but mostly for the contact with people; I miss having co-workers, and I got along very well with all my employers, but with menopause, I'd probably lose it because I'd be calling in sick a lot (not many jobs will pay you to sit there and cry).
OK...that's enough for now, I guess. Let's see what this day will be like.
Hugs and kisses, and strength to you all!
I don't EXPECT feeling zippety-do-dah every day! But to have days and days of waking up and feeling...well, maybe not BAD, but still feeling Not Good...it wears one down. Yes, yes, it does beat waking up and knowing right away that the day is going to end up like Monday was (or worse), but almost EVERY morning, fighting sadness, the anxiousness, worrying about how the day is going to be...well, it gets effing OLD! And it also destroys ones spirit.
In this life, in my position as wife, mother, homemaker, I need to have a certain level of reliability. Grocery shopping needs to be done, laundry is never-ending, and just like my husband hates his job, but still gets up and puts on his uniform and goes to work, my job is to make sure he and our child have decent meals to eat, and clean dishes and clothes. And because there is absolutely No One, no family member whom I can call and say "Hey, I need some help", when I'm menopausal, whether or not it's my fault, is hard on everyone.
Yes, we can order pizza in, or take something from the freezer and throw it into the oven, but it's not as if I have a cold. The menopausal bouts....they're like having your heart ripped out. The emotional pain on top of the physical is just...I can't describe it...so debilitating. Monday I got so overwhelmed by the misery I was going through that I couldn't think, couldn't perceive a Future...couldn't fathom that there would be an evening to that day, that there would be a tomorrow. What was planned for dinner didn't matter. In fact, nothing mattered, because the misery of the Present was so overwhelming that it filled every room in my mind. I sat in the yard and watched my DH do his gardening. In between sobbing fits, he kept trying to distract me by telling me what he was planning to plant where, and oh look, that whatever-it-is is blooming now, and all I could think of was that I DIDN'T CARE!
Another problem with menopause is that because you're filled with depression, all you can think about is the bad parts of your life, past and present. My husband keeps telling me to concentrate on the Good Things in my life, and I tell him how that's impossible because the chemical reactions in my brain are triggering only the Negative. Menopause grabs you by the hair, drags you over to the cesspools of the Bad Parts of your life and rubs your face in them; here's your bad relationship with your father, here's the fact that your mom is dead, here's the problem you and your husband are having with your sex life, here's the artwork that you never work on, etc. etc. ..Oh, and I'm going to remove all your Energy and Optimism and Good Spirits so you cannot deal with or fix any of these things!
It's impossible to emerge from a Bout without scars. Tuesday was not as bad as Monday was, but there was still a lot of residual sadness, which I fell into in the morning, but was able to climb out of later.
I know that one of my underlying problems is that I am very, very lonely. As I said, I have no family members around at all, and none of my neighbors are Close Friend material. I belong to 2 Meetup groups; one meets twice a month and another I host once a month. When I go to these meetings, I always have a really good time. I'm trying to nurture relationships in the first group, but close friendships take a while to grow, and because I am so emotionally needy, I have to be really careful; nothing is more repelling than Desperation.
I miss having a job. I'd take a part-time one now, not just for the extra money but mostly for the contact with people; I miss having co-workers, and I got along very well with all my employers, but with menopause, I'd probably lose it because I'd be calling in sick a lot (not many jobs will pay you to sit there and cry).
OK...that's enough for now, I guess. Let's see what this day will be like.
Hugs and kisses, and strength to you all!
Replies
Ah MKal, you sound as twisted up as I feel. How did your anticipated day go? The only thing I can think of right now is to take it one day at a time and give yourself a pat on the back for your strength. Hey, no one has locked you up yet? Right? lol We still have our freedom. What we don\'t have is control over our raging hormones and/or hormone depletion. We are powerless over our hormonal fluctuations.
I\'m lonely, too. I would love to get to know you better and maybe a friendship will bud from there. Wanna give it a shot? I think you are one good egg. Let\'s talk.