i just dont get it
He doesn't want to be with me and for so long I begged for answers and I tried really hard to figure it out and him. He truly made me feel and believe that I had so many things wrong with me from past relationships that nobody in this world would/will ever want me so maybe I stuck around because I started to believe him. I felt like some part of him was better then having nobody. Even a mentally and emotionally abusive person who found ways to humiliate me and break me down was better then being alone with just myself. After we broke up he told me the most awful things and somewhere along the way I became numb to all the hurt. Maybe I got so used to feeling that way. I do feel that he has taken a piece of my soul with him. This relationship didn't last as long as my previous one but the damage he has done to me still feels like ill never eve heal from. I still find it hard to sleep I get anxiety constantly. I am not even speaking to him or seeing him on any level anymore. I wish the things he did and said to me didn't effect me to the level that they have. I wish I truly didn't care at all about who he was with or what he was doing but I STILL DO. He took another woman to a wedding this weekend and the entire evening I pictured how they acted, what they did, if he slept with her or will soon. I cant get those thoughts out of my head. I don't know what I feel maybe I just feel really sad and empty.
Replies
Hi Pinkrose. I spent many nights unable to sleep, and many on the border of depression. Even to this day, which is nearly two years after she asked for a divorce I occasionally wonder about what she was up to and how it all played out. It was a very painful time. But, there is hope!! Once I started to work on me, excersize, joined a CODA group, read books, and use this site I now am recovering. Things feel different. I\'m sorry for the loss, pain, anger, emptiness, but I do believe it will get better. The lies you were told and believed will be replaced with real experiences of good truths. Hugs.
I think that is the problem with abusive people. They start off small. Some off colored comment or criticism that is cloaked with a laugh or kindness. Then eventually they begin taking more of your emotional space. Little by little you loose that part of yourself that you loved. You lose your confidence. All because the abuser wants you to fit their mold. I know that it is hard for you to just shift the blame and hurt to where it belongs on him. But I think with time you will being to understand your worth. You will begin to get yourself back. I know how hard it is. I still haven\'t been able to create and maintain solid boundaries with my husband. It\'s not easy, even with no contact. Be kind to yourself. You will get there.
It will get better pink, I promise. Stay strong and know that you are not alone.