I just cried...
I don't think anyone can truly understand the amount of energy and practice that goes into hating yourself.
The work starts early, it doesn't have to ; any insignificant, comment or sneer can do it but to really fuck up your entire self view takes time.
Time to stare at each part of your body. Time to look at Facebook and Instagram for comparison. Time to tell yourself what it's "supposed" to look like.
Looking is not enough, you have to squeeze, pull, pinch or sometimes Mark or Scar the offensive area.
You go through periods of "dressing it up". Buying special hooks with fancy hinges to make it seem all of that more appealing. The whole time knowing exactly what it looks like when you let it all out.
You ask others what they think and sometimes you find someone that really thinks it's beautiful but mostly " it's fine" or " it's not THAT bad". But even if the "fine" was changed to "You are PERFECT", by now it's too late to believe them.
By now you have looked, pulled, pinched, cut, burned and hated that part so often it doesn't even matter.
You try to make it like everyone thinks it should be. You do this in many hurtful ways ; starving, drugs, crash diets, binging and purging, pills and eventually surgery but HATE always wins.
Self view can only change with self love. But I've tried this too. The gym, the books, the friends, the affirmations, the meditation, but the mirror doesn't care.
I've trained hard for this hatred. I thought about suicide because HE doesn't tell me I'm good enough because HE looks at other women with lust and wanting that I have yet to see, because HE watches pORN that's not "chubbyChic" because HE doesn't touch me .....anymore.
I know we don't want to hate myself. I know that it makes me cynical, bitchy, and not very easy to love.
All these years of staring at myself all these years of poking and prodding all these years of hate and Loathing will not go down without a fight.
I looked at myself today, my rolls, my scars, my folds, my wrinkles, my sagging breasts. I did not wish that they were different. I said to myself in my mind how "Okay" it's part was.
Then I slowly raised my eyes to meet my mirrored ones and although my intentions were to completely lie to myself and tell myself I was beautiful once I looked directly into my eyes...
I just cried.
Replies
I use to hate myself also. Bigness in some areas and smallness in others. I always hated my body for being abnormal I thought.
Now I accept myself for who I am and what I am. My body is not who I am, it is just the suit I walk around with in this life. I know who I am and I know what I am. I am a Divine Aspect of my Creator....and that makes me perfect!.....and so are you!
God Bless
You were simply programmed to hate yourself and need to reprogram yourself. I did it by looking in the mirror and realizing that the person staring back at me had literally been through hell and managed to not only survive, but thrive. Being pretty didn't matter so much, cause she was lucky to still be walking in the world, taking care of her family and being loved by a wonderful man. She might not be anything close to perfect but she was so fucking real. Suddenly, wanting to be barbie perfect seemed like a laughable and thoroughly stupid idea.
I saw that the important qualities were my ability to:
- make my husband feel loved, to listen when needed to talk, help earn income for our family and rock his world with sex
-give good counsel to a friend in need, attend an IEP with her for her son and just be there as she struggled to deal with his ADHD
-shop for the perfect present and watch my loved one's eyes light up when they opened it.
-hold my friend who had been rapped and tell her with complete certainty that we'd get her help and she be okay,
-just remind my young niece not to give her baby raw honey, cause it's dangerous and pass on the wisdom of an age of learning
Most importantly to understand that looking and being perfect is one of the most ridiculous quests a person can waste their time pursuing. I'd never feel like I wasn't enough because I am carrying a few extra pounds, and trust me I am. I'd also never believe for even one second that my husband watched porn because I wasn't perfect. That part would have made me laugh if your post wasn't so sad. You are right on the money that you are doing it to yourself. It's all in the way you frame the internal dialogue inside your own head.
Here's how I think if it. I'm 49, have had a child, nursed that child for 7 months, worked my ass off to be a single mom, got married and we made a family together. I've worked with adults with disabilities, improving so many lives over the years. I've taken care to ensure our holiday and special family times were special, nursed my husband and daughter when they were sick and supported them when they were down. I honestly am a fucking fantastic person. I'd tell my husband to shut down the porn, cause he has a wife he's been neglecting. If that wake up call didn't take, or he gave me one negative word in reply, I'd roll him straight out the door, cause I do not give two hoots in hell about allowing a man to lay around my place making me feel like shit about myself. All those love dovey feelings would get transferred to a man who deserved my love. That may sound harsh, but you can't feel good about yourself with that sitting on your sofa. Eventually you have to chose yourself. Hugs xxx.
Trying to look at my body as a vessel... Its just hard when he looks at other women, like Stares.....and I watch him do it.... But he doesn't look at me like that. We barely have sex, he says Porn is quicker... No work...
I know he loves me... I know that he appreciates all I do... Its the intimacy that i am missing...