I just can't stand it...
Dear DS diary,
Just when I thought I couldn't feel any more disheartened, now this:
I have decided that trying to finish my study guide for my PCC exam in one week from tomorrow is going to be a waste of my time. The most I can do is some brush-up on sections where I think I might be weak with the websites I've found, and that will basically be the extent of it. Or I might add a practice exam that's in the back of the study guide.
The risperidone has simply complicated the matter too much. I have effectively become dependent on it. Over the weekend I had tried to halve my 2mg dose because the full dose is making me feel tired early as it is tonight. But that weekend ended up being a disaster with the trigger (see previous entry) and the fact that I just can't handle my anxieties anymore; I ended up with five nervous meltdowns over four days, which for me is more numerous than normal. So I have had to concede that I would rather be tired and struggle than have all those meltdowns, even if it still leaves me very vulnerable to triggers.
Put simply, more questions are being put forth than it answers, and the wait to hear back from the center at Mass General is actually making things worse because I need help now. I'm not equipped emotionally to handle the inevitable next steps that are going to come up once the first try at this exam is over...I can only lean on preparing for it as an excuse to put off my resume and job search for so long, and I've abused that excuse by now. But emotionally I know I'm ready to run the moment I have to meet someone new so what's the point in using my AS right now?
I wish I could do a Skype video call or two or three. I wish I had answers. It just makes me want to cry. :'(
Just when I thought I couldn't feel any more disheartened, now this:
I have decided that trying to finish my study guide for my PCC exam in one week from tomorrow is going to be a waste of my time. The most I can do is some brush-up on sections where I think I might be weak with the websites I've found, and that will basically be the extent of it. Or I might add a practice exam that's in the back of the study guide.
The risperidone has simply complicated the matter too much. I have effectively become dependent on it. Over the weekend I had tried to halve my 2mg dose because the full dose is making me feel tired early as it is tonight. But that weekend ended up being a disaster with the trigger (see previous entry) and the fact that I just can't handle my anxieties anymore; I ended up with five nervous meltdowns over four days, which for me is more numerous than normal. So I have had to concede that I would rather be tired and struggle than have all those meltdowns, even if it still leaves me very vulnerable to triggers.
Put simply, more questions are being put forth than it answers, and the wait to hear back from the center at Mass General is actually making things worse because I need help now. I'm not equipped emotionally to handle the inevitable next steps that are going to come up once the first try at this exam is over...I can only lean on preparing for it as an excuse to put off my resume and job search for so long, and I've abused that excuse by now. But emotionally I know I'm ready to run the moment I have to meet someone new so what's the point in using my AS right now?
I wish I could do a Skype video call or two or three. I wish I had answers. It just makes me want to cry. :'(
Replies
We\'re also coming up on a sad anniversary, it has now been almost four months since my mood meter has improved from dead red, which is making me sick...but it feels like there is no end in sight there, either. :(
Well, okay, it did move once to orange, but that didn\'t last long, so maybe we should say four months since I\'ve felt anywhere near the vicinity of yellow.