I Hurt Him- Joseph
I love Joseph and all that he is to me: my friend, my lover, my inspiration and I cant help but realize I hurt his feelings... I knew that as soon as I would get a job, my life with Joseph would start. I didnt want to be his girlfriend until I was stable with a job and going to school. Well, it has been hard to get a job. I dont even get called back for an interview, NOTHING! When Joseph heard I was going to NY it made him happy and sad. He didnt tell me how sad he was but he did stress that maybe NY isnt the best thing to do right now since I am not on my feet yet. I knew that was true but I felt like I needed to go because now that I dont have a job its a great opportunity, they already bought my ticket, and I had a mission on my mind. I made the decision to go for a month. I came back and I could see and feel he has changed a bit. He wasnt as warm and welcoming as I wanted him to be and for the past few weeks of my return he has been a bit distant and cold. I finally broke down and cried and told him it was for another reason other than him and he comforted me. It was because of him. I wanted to feel him and be connected with him so bad because I missed him on my trip. I was without his love and it broke my heart. I finally confronted him about it and he said he felt there was something off about us but he couldnt pin point what it could be. He just took all the blame and apologized for him not giving me what I wanted from him. I wanted to be practical and not point any fingers in this sensative subject. I probed and probed and asked him questions. I asked him statements about what he thought it might be then asked him to think about them and tell me what he felt about it. Finally we came to the conclusion that I hurt his feelings. I basically left him feeling like I didnt want to work on us because I wasnt focused on getting a job. He knows that me getting back on my feet is something I wanted more than anything else and he felt that by me not thinking a little more about my actions towards the trip that I didnt think of him. I felt so bad I teared up a bit. I thought it through and I said yes there were some things I could have changed like not staying out there for so long. Maybe shortening my trip to two weeks and then getting back to business when I came back would have been better for my situation with him. It would have shown that I was serious about getting my life in order and sharing my life with him. It was difficult for me to swallow that because I had my reason for doing what I did, but seeing him so hurt just breaks my heart. We are still a little distant but making it through...I am still looking for a job everyday persistently and wishing that I could get a response soon. I dont care if I dont get the job anymore I just want a response like an interview just to keep my hopes up. California is not doing very well when it comes to jobs or housing. Many are moving away and leaving this broke state for better lives....I have to stay and do whats best for me and my boo.