I Hurt Him- Joseph

I love Joseph and all that he is to me: my friend, my lover, my inspiration and I cant help but realize I hurt his feelings... I knew that as soon as I would get a job, my life with Joseph would start. I didnt want to be his girlfriend until I was stable with a job and going to school. Well, it has been hard to get a job. I dont even get called back for an interview, NOTHING! When Joseph heard I was going to NY it made him happy and sad. He didnt tell me how sad he was but he did stress that maybe NY isnt the best thing to do right now since I am not on my feet yet.  I knew that was true but I felt like I needed to go because now that I dont have a job its a great opportunity, they already bought my ticket, and I had a mission on my mind. I made the decision to go for a month.  I came back and I could see and feel he has changed a bit. He wasnt as warm and welcoming as I wanted him to be and for the past few weeks of my return he has been a bit distant and cold. I finally broke down and cried and told him it was for another reason other than him and he comforted me. It was because of him. I wanted to feel him and be connected with him so bad because I missed him on my trip. I was without his love and it broke my heart.  I finally confronted him about it and he said he felt there was something off about us but he couldnt pin point what it could be. He just took all the blame and apologized for him not giving me what I wanted from him. I wanted to be practical and not point any fingers in this sensative subject. I probed and probed and asked him questions. I asked him statements about what he thought it might be then asked him to think about them and tell me what he felt about it. Finally we came to the conclusion that I hurt his feelings.  I basically left him feeling like I didnt want to work on us because I wasnt focused on getting a job. He knows that me getting back on my feet is something I wanted more than anything else and he felt that by me not thinking a little more about my actions towards the trip that I didnt think of him. I felt so bad I teared up a bit. I thought it through and I said yes there were some things I could have changed like not staying out there for so long. Maybe shortening my trip to two weeks and then getting back to business when I came back would have been better for my situation with him. It would have shown that I was serious about getting my life in order and sharing my life with him. It was difficult for me to swallow that because I had my reason for doing what I did, but seeing him so hurt just breaks my heart. We are still a little distant but making it through...I am still looking for a job everyday persistently and wishing that I could get a response soon. I dont care if I dont get the job anymore I just want a response like an interview just to keep my hopes up. California is not doing very well when it comes to jobs or housing. Many are moving away and leaving this broke state for better lives....I have to stay and do whats best for me and my boo.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

You are right to be able to close the unfinished chapter of you past, if you don\'t it will always haunt you , and you will never feel right even you are in the best relationship, it is very important to do so, in order to have a wonderful relationship with your Joseph, you are definitely doing the right thing,soon or later you man will catch up with the fact why you are doing what you did in New York. You have to be honest with your ownself\'\'s feelings before you can be honest to others,. And all relationship should be based on the honesty. Honesty is the key to a successful relationship, I am the classical case for the testimony on this aspect. I, myself didn\'t come clean into the relationship with my husband, and the result is a disaster. At the end, the fixing of it really ,really has taken a great toll on both of us. Please don\'t repeat what I had done, it was a nightmarish disaster, and it since cost our precious feelings between him and me.
If you love Joseph, you need to let him know how you feel and how you want your life to be, and be honest right from the beginning . In this way, you can really realize that if he is really in love with you and if he love you as who you are, not what you are; because you don\'t want to repeat your past as you used to be in those abusive relationships; life is too short, and You got to love yourself before you can love others, for you are responsible for who you are and what you want; if you don\'t do so , then you really can\'t give others what you don\'t have....
As to your jobs searching, it will take more time, for the economy is not good over all right now, At present time, maybe it is meant for you to nourish yourself to a healthy self, it will give you more time to put yourself to the right speed, and the season will come by God,s will. When God moves, HE moves suddenly; therefore, you shouldn\'t worry about your job as long as you have done all you can. Now you just have to be patient , and wait under God....
I know all things will work out better for you, for you are very nice girl with a great beautiful heart; just continue your good work and embrace your life form now on ,,,,,And God bless you !

My love and hugs to you; please take care,
fountain
deleted_user
deleted_user

You ad 2 do what Krissy had 2 do, Joseph needs 2 be more understanding cuz no matter what that\'s your family regardless of what they did or didnt do 2 you! I know finding a job is hard, and dont give up hope cuz Im too struggling to find another job after leaving one cuz they wouldnt pay me from my sales! I don\'t work 4 free, bills come like clockwork every month. Healing from your past was the best thing 4 you & your future relationship with Joseph, I can\'t believe yall are distant you just moved in with him, Gurl I just feel for you and what you are going thru since this recession is killing everybody\'s pcokets; we must have faith. California, is the most beautiful place & good jobs , now people are leaving??? I guess they wanted better lives than what they had in cali, besides if you can\'t find a job try a home bizness. ya know? If cali isnt 4 you God will lead you 2 the right destination I know so. I luv you & keep ur head up, if Joseph loves you like he say he does then he will step up the plate and be a man 4 a change and allow you to heal.
deleted_user
deleted_user

Krissy , your in love girl
I could hear in all in this journal, I am sorry to hear that you and Joseph have becoming somewhat distant. Work on that girl! Together with him, Understanding is so important especially in your case. I think what great is that your communicating your feelings with him, but remember to stay honest and truthful to yourself. I want the best for you and Joseph seems like a stand up and good guy.. thankfully. Remember to love yourself first and to be truthful through it all for yourself

love you
christa