I hope I don't offend you guys
i've been thinking about a lot of things
and I think the pressures put on me as a child
to cover certain things
really impacted what I tend to perseverate
on. I realize I have to start having my dreams
pressure me and not my familial relationships.
I think I found in the monastery a kind of second home
because it was full of very very needy women
and a seeming unconditional in statement love
but a conditional love at that. It felt oddly familiar and comfortable
but now I know I've got to do better by myself. I want to do better
by myself. The sisters whining in prayers as they sing really make
me feel like I have got to be responsible for them - when in fact
it's a losing game - their voices bring me down into selflessness
and powerlessness and I just can't care that much anymore.
I know I have to focus on things that keep the ball rolling for myself
economically and healthfully.
these are notes I wrote earlier today-see below- the above paragraph was the embodiment of it all
Wanting to measure up and have gentle reassurance s
Pride
Contribute
Play, love
Do what I like
Doesn’t have to be right
What I. Am accustomed to habituated
I give myself a measure to follow, a master to follow
Our natures as people and individuals, my nature
Talk to god it was a beautiful experience
looking for:
A system for understanding and dealing with them the monastics
A system for understanding and dealing with people a variety of all kinds
Understanding my own nature and dealing with others
Relationships
My system that I live in-
it's keeping it taken care of and going
Develop my art as my way of existing in my world (personal world) and in the world simultaneously. it may be my ticket out
maybe all this interaction - it's all just warfare of a different kind? I find myself wanting a win - but
that's not cool
fighting - I guess we're all just fighting
and we all have systems -personal, professional and familial systems-
each needs to be honored and respected - owned and protected too
if their not awful god willing.
Like any system I’ve become too dependent on certain sources of support and I need to
provide for a better independence/self reliance.
Replies
I pray you can find your happiness Mark. Sometimes we take on more responsibility for people's emotions than we need or they need. Working on your art sounds good, productive and fun. It's nice to have a gift like that.
Take care.
thanks becky. You're always a steady voice of reason. I really admire that. You see a problem and you deal
with it straight away.
I think Becky said it quite well! Keep searching, Mark. Keep thinking, Keep observing yourself and learning to see what You need.